


Hero

by scarecrow_horses



Category: Buffy the Vampire Slayer (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Alternate Universe - Human, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-29
Updated: 2018-11-29
Packaged: 2019-09-02 10:15:16
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 27,235
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16784935
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/scarecrow_horses/pseuds/scarecrow_horses
Summary: William Giles and his father, Rupert Giles, live and work in Sunnydale, California. Will is in a band, with bandmates Oz and Devon, and there is a strange boy who thinks he's a vampire....





	Hero

**Author's Note:**

> Originally posted in 8 chapters, June - August of 2004. Original notes from Livejournal:   
> _The lyrics Giles sings are from **Farewell to Bitterroot Valley** , by Dave Carter and Tracy Grammer._  
>  _The quoted portion is from **Watership Down** by Richard Adams._  
>  _The lyrics Oz sings are from **November Storm** by Dreamtrybe._
> 
> _Thank you Thank you misspandypants for the beta!! And roxymissrose, 'cause...wind, wings, you get the picture._
> 
> Minimally edited for formatting purposes.

"Oh shit." Will stopped dead in the middle of the sidewalk and Oz crashed into his back.

"Will, what the fuck!" But Oz was laughing, like always, and Will looked around for something to duck behind - darted to the back of a parked SUV.

"What the hell are you doing?" Devon huddled near him, looking around with wide, glazed eyes. 

_Oh goody, he's slid into the 'paranoid' part of his high. Tosser._

"It's that damn kid. I just don't wanna fuck with him tonight." Devon looked blank, but Oz shook his head, peering around the back of the SUV.

"Hell, he's right outside the club, man!" 

_Great, fuckin' great._ Will leaned against the vehicle, pulling a smoke out of his pocket and lighting up. He didn't _hate_ the kid.... In fact, he liked him - felt like a big brother, or something. But sometimes he just didn't want to _deal_ with him and his ongoing head-trip.

"Who is? We'll just go kick his ass -" Devon made to walk down the sidewalk and Will snatched him back with a growl.

"No! Fuck no. Just leave him alone. He's just - he's just this fucked-up kid, thinks I'm -" Will stopped, shaking his head and puffing furiously on his cigarette.

"Thinks you're what? Billy Idol? Elvis? What?"

"Fuck you! No, he - he thinks I'm a vampire." 

Devon stared at him and then doubled over in laughter, leaning on the bumper of the vehicle. "A -a _vampire_? Oh man! What the fuck? You gotta tell me what's up with this kid." 

Will took a last, hard drag and flicked the butt of his cigarette into the street - looked over at Oz who sighed and nodded. "Fuck. We'll tell you inside. We've gotta get going, we're late." Will ran his hands back through his hair, making the white-blonde spikes stick up even more wildly. "Devon? Listen, okay? He's gonna talk to me - he always does. And no matter what he says, just - just let me do the talking, okay? I _mean_ it, Devon!"

"Yeah, yeah, I get you, man. Don't talk to the freak 'cause he might freak. No problem." Devon held his hands up in a 'who, me?' kind of gesture and Will scowled at him. 

Oz reached over and punched Devon lightly on the arm. "Seriously, dude. Just don't, okay? The kid's harmless." 

"Yeah, okay," Devon said, backing off. He always did what Oz said, for which Will was secretly grateful. Devon could be a real pain, sometimes.

"Okay - here we go. Let's just go fast and maybe he won't - notice." They stepped back up onto the sidewalk and strode down the street towards the stage door that led into the back of the Bronze. They had two sets to do tonight, and they needed to get inside and get set up. The sun was just down, and the street - alley, really - was shrouded in a deep, plumy shadow. The amber-tinted bug light over the back door made strange purple shadows and made the kid look - 

_He's too fuckin' thin. Gotta get him to eat more...have more 'research parties' or something...._

Will steeled himself as they drew closer. The kid was only a year or two younger then they were, but he seemed...childlike. Shaggy dark-brown hair in need of washing fell to his shoulders, and his thin body was hunched inside layers of t-shirt, flannel shirt, and a sleeveless Army BDU shirt. His jeans were ragged, shiny along the seams with dirt, and stuffed haphazardly into worn work-boots. He was crouched up on top of a pile of four or five empty pallets, rocking to and fro, something clutched in his hand. As they approached they could hear him talking softly to himself. The kid looked up, his dark eyes wary and startled. And then his thin, scarred face broke into a smile, and Will shook his head. That smile was so sweet - so wide and happy and fucking _trusting_ \- it broke Will's heart every time.

"Spike! Hey, I looked for you at your crypt today but you weren't around. Heard anything? Is there something going down tonight? Hey, Oz." The kid jumped down from the pallets and stood there, nervously twisting his hands around the object he held - a crudely carved wooden stake. 

"Hey Xander. I stayed with Oz - got caught too bloody late, couldn't get home, you know?" Will stopped walking to answer him and he couldn't help it - he smiled back. But not too big, 'cause 'Spike' was apparently more smirk then smile. "It's gonna be a quite night tonight - nothing doin' - so why don't you go see Willow? I bet she's got something you could help her with." 

Xander's smile faltered a little as he caught sight of Devon and he took a step back. "Who's that, Spike?"

"That's Devon. You remember Devon, right? He sings." 

Xander stared at Devon, flexing his hands tighter around the stake. "Yeah I - I guess I do. He - is he human?"

"All human here, bro." 

Will groaned. Devon just could not _shut up_ , not to save his fuckin' life, and Will shot him an evil glare.

"He knows then, huh?" Xander said, and Will sighed.

"Yeah, he knows, he's cool with it. Listen, mate, we need to get goin'. Why don't you go see Willow, get somethin' to eat, huh? That way - I'll know where you are if I need you, huh?" Xander shifted from foot to foot, looking at him - at Devon and Oz - and Will realized he was shivering in his layers, and that his pale face was sheened with sweat. 

_Damn. He's got a fever. Fuck - what the fuck can I do? C'mon, kid - go to Willow's, okay? Please?_

"Welcome to the fight, Devon," Xander said suddenly, and he held his hand out. It was trembling ever so slightly; callused and dirty, with ragged nails and a cut across his knuckles that must hurt like a bitch. Devon just stood there for a moment, and then he took the kid's hand - shook it good and hard, and then let go. Will just stared, because Xander almost never touched anybody, and this was totally new. 

_Probably the fever._

"Thanks man," Devon said, and then he grinned and the kid blinked - looked past him up the street.

"I'm - I'm gonna...go and see Willow I guess. See you later, Spike," Xander said, and Will felt something tight in his chest relax. Hopefully Willow could get some soup down him - some aspirin and some juice or something. Maybe even get him to stay a couple of days, or at least the night.

"Okay man, that's cool. I'll find you if I need you, okay?"

"Yeah," Xander said, and his smile was gone, now - his shoulders hunched and fragile-looking and his hair starting to string with sweat. Will reached out and touched his shoulder - let his hand rest there for a minute.

"You all right, mate? Somethin' up?" 

Xander leaned into his touch for a moment and then took a step back - looked back up the alley, shaking his head. "No, I'm - it's okay. I'll...see you later."

"Sure, man," Oz said softly, and Xander looked at him - offered a shy little smile. 

"Full moon in two days, Oz - you ready? You need me to do anything? I can come sit with you."

"Nah - I'll be okay. Gonna try something new, see if I can keep it under control. I'll tell you about it, okay?"

"Sure," Xander said, and he looked over at Devon and nodded once - shuffled off down the street, already starting that under-his-breath mutter that almost never stopped. The ways to tell a vampire from a human. What kills them, and who _he_ was. That, most often, as if he was in danger of forgetting from moment to moment. Will watched until he was out of sight and sighed. He felt Oz's hand on his shoulder, squeezing for a moment in silent sympathy.

"Fuck. Let's get goin' and get the bloody gear set up," Will muttered, and they went into the Bronze, shutting the night and the lost boy out.

There was hardly anybody in the club; a couple of kids in the squashy couches under the stairs, doing some hard-core studying so they could party later. The bartender and his assistant were cleaning up a little and re-stocking. Angel was on door-duty, which was good. Friday nights tended to be a little crazy with the students getting psyched for the weekend and Angel was so big, and so calm. He kept them all pretty mellow. Plus, nobody wanted him to do his wrestling moves on them - it hurt when Angel twisted you into a pretzel.

"Hey guys," Angel said, nodding at them as they dragged the first relay of equipment up on the stage.

"Hey Angel, how's it hangin'?" Devon yelled and Angel just grinned. Oz whacked Devon with a coil of cable and he grinned back, and they both went off stage again to grab more stuff. Will concentrated on untangling and plugging in cords, arranging the amps and getting things turned on, warming up. He grabbed a roll of duct tape out of a milkcrate by the edge of the stage and taped some cords down. It made for a little more work but he and Devon got pretty animated, jumping around, and there was nothing that made you feel like more of a fool than getting your foot tangled in your own mic cord and falling flat on your face. Something Devon had actually done on stage, in the middle of a show, and the memory made Will grin as he bit tape off the roll and laid strips down.

"What're you grinning at, blondie?" Will glanced up and saw Tara and grinned a little harder. She was the waitress at the Bronze. Been there for three years, working as many hours as possible while she got her degree at UC Sunnydale. She was everybody's favorite.

"Hey, Tara!" Will jumped up and hugged her - gave her a quick kiss on the cheek. Tara hugged back and then sat down on an amp, a spray bottle and smudged cloth dangling from her fingers. 

"I'm just remembering the time Devon 'bout knocked himself unconscious tripping over these bloody cables." He couldn't stop the grin and Tara grinned too - giggled a little while looking around, making sure Devon didn't hear her. He was still pretty touchy about 'The Incident'.

"Oh, yeah. Jesus, that was funny. How're you doing? Haven't seen you around for a couple of weeks."

"Doin' all right. We had a couple shows to do down in Oxnard, and dad got a bunch of new books in, I've been helping him organize. Built a couple of shelves but they're not too good. We need a real carpenter."

"Yeah? Uh...if I suggest...somebody, you're not gonna get mad, are you?"

"Why would I get mad?" Will bit off another strip of duct tape and finished with the amp cord - looked up at Tara, who was biting her lip.

"Well - that kid - Xander? He's actually pretty handy with a hammer and nails." 

Will just stared at her for a minute, then sighed. "Well, I'll talk to dad. I saw him outside tonight - he looked sick, like he had a fever. He said he was goin' to Willow's - I hope he does."

"Me too. He helped her, you know? He fixed a broken window, a couple of messed up stairs. He really seemed to know what he was doing. Willow kinda thought - you know - if he could get some little jobs, earn some money... maybe it would help. To just - be normal for a little bit. You know?" 

Will stood up and tossed the duct tape into the crate and ran his hands back through his hair. "Yeah, she's probably right. Me and dad - we have 'research parties' sometimes - let him come over and go through the books, look for...whatever. He'll eat, when we do that - sleep over sometimes." Will shrugged and was surprised when Tara stood up and hugged him again.

"You guys really help, you know? Letting him.... Just - being there for him. Willow really appreciates it." Willow and Tara had been circling around each other for six months, and Will hoped that they'd take that first step pretty soon and go on a date. 

He hugged Tara back, just as hard. "We - well, mostly me, but dad too - we just can't help it. The kid is so...." Will doesn't know how to finish that - doesn't really know how to put into words the feelings that Xander evoked in him. He was so scared, that kid - so lonely, and so wounded. And his world was so dark and scary; full of monsters and pain and evil that he can't stop or control - just battle, endlessly. Will felt like, if he didn't help him out - do what he could - it'd be like...like stepping on Superman's cape, or trying to de-mask Batman. Or taking a little, bedraggled kitten and putting it in a box by the highway. It just wouldn't be right. And that smile.... Will shook his head, breaking himself out of his thoughts. Oz and Devon staggered back on stage just then, loaded down with more equipment and he moved to help them.

"Hey Tara! Man, you are lookin' hot tonight!" Devon leered at the dark-blonde woman and she grinned back, doing a little 'hoochy-mama' hip shake.

"You know it, Devon! Me and my 'eau de bleach', we're hot stuff." Tara misted a tiny squirt of her bleach-water mix towards Devon, who squeaked and jumped back, making a cross with two fingers.

"Get that stuff away from me, you evil woman!" 

Tara laughed and jumped down off the stage, heading over to some tables and her final wipe-down before traffic started getting heavy. Oz poked Devon in the butt with a mic stand and Devon pounced on him and gave him a hard, smacking kiss.

"Don't start anything you can't finish, man!" Oz did the same hip-roll Tara had, grinning up at Devon from under his eyelashes.

"Right. Stop right bloody now. We've got work to do. You two can shag each other silly after we set up." Will grabbed Devon and pushed him towards a pile of equipment and Devon pouted but went, bending to pick up another amp and move it to the edge of the stage. Oz blew Will a kiss.

"Wanna get silly with us?" he asked, bedroom voice, and Will grabbed him around the neck and planted the wettest kiss possible on his cheek.

"You know it, hot stuff," he whispered, and started giggling as Oz squirmed away, making an 'ewww' face and wiping his cheek off.

"Jesus, Will - a little control would be nice. Check the drool." 

Will just batted his eyes at him and then they all got to work. About forty minutes later everything was set up and Oz went to the sound and light booth up on the catwalk to do the check. That took about fifteen more minutes and then they were done. Will turned the mic off and put it in the stand - looked over at the clock that was above the bar. Seven-twenty, or thereabouts. They had almost an hour to kill until their first set at eight-thirty.

"C'mon, let's go get something to eat," Oz said, coming to a stop next to Devon and putting his arm around the taller boy's waist.

"Yeah, I'm starved. And you guys need to tell me the story with that kid." Devon hugged Oz to him a little and the three of them went over to the bar. 

The crowd had filled out a bit and some kids were dancing to the canned music that was blaring - some girl singer with an annoyingly lisping voice that Will hated. 

"Hey, Clem! We're hungry, mate." Will climbed up onto a bar stool, smiling over at Clem, who was the head bartender and manager of the place. He was tall and balding with big, basset-hound eyes and droopy jowls. He'd lost a bunch of weight in the past year, and his skin had sagged down off his jaw a bit. He kept saying he was going to get a 'nip-tuck', but he hated spending money. Will was pretty sure he'd do it himself if he thought he could 

_Fuckin' tightwad. He'd **better** have got the damn toilets in the back fixed or I swear I'm gonna take a fuckin' sledgehammer to 'em._

"Will, gentlemen. The usual?"

"Yeah, usual's good for me - that okay?" Will turned to Devon and Oz, who were locked mouth to mouth and totally oblivious. "Usual, Clem," Will smirked, and Clem just shook his head, jowls flopping, and moved down to the window at the back of the bar to place the order.

Ten minutes later they had 'fish and chips' - although Will refused to touch it - a sampler of appetizers and a Blooming Onion, and they carried it all backstage to the green room. Which was actually a truly vile shade of pinkish-grey, but it did have a couple of worn couches and a long row of thrift-store vanities with mirrors for getting ready and cleaning up afterward. Will sprawled down on a couch with his onion and a beer, and they all ate in silence for a couple of minutes until Devon took a long drink and burped.

"Ooo-kay. So - tell me about this guy. Why in hell does he think you're a vampire, and what was all that about the full moon, Oz?" 

Oz and Will exchanged glances and Will sat up, leaning his elbows on his knees. He lit a cigarette and puffed for a minute. 

"When me and dad moved here, that was...the summer of '98. Dad was gonna work at UCS but the professor he was replacing wasn't leaving until spring of the next year. We got over here so early mostly 'cause of mum dying, but also - dad just didn't want to have to scramble for a house and stuff while trying to get settled at the job, you know? So he took a temporary job with Sunnydale High to just keep himself busy. And that's when we met Xander. Well, dad met him. He hung out in the library a lot - read books and stuff, wanted to talk about stuff. He was really into...mythology, the occult, things like that." Will drank the last couple swallows of his beer - remembered with a small smile how pleased his dad had been, that a 'Southern California' boy had wanted to spend so much time in the library talking about Latin and ancient cults. Stuff like that was his dad's hobby, something he didn't get to indulge in too often in the rarified atmosphere of collegiate English Literature.

"He was cool, I guess - dad liked him. I only met him once that first year. I came into the school to help dad with some stuff, and I started talkin' to this blonde bird. That Buffy Summers, remember her, Oz?" Oz nodded.

"Yeah. Anyway, she was cute, and she was all over the accent, you know," Will rolled his eyes, "and we were talking and out of nowhere, this kid comes up to me -" Will stopped talking and shook his head, remembering.

_"What the hell are you doing here, Spike?"_

_Brown hair and brown eyes and a scowl like thunder. Skinny, gangly kid grabbing his shoulder and pushing him and Will was too stunned to do anything but gape. "You're really pushing your luck, Spike - just because Buffy didn't stake you before doesn't mean you got a 'get out of a dusting' free card."_

_Next to him, the blonde girl made an angry sort of noise and stepped between them, frowning._

_"Look, just get out of here, would you? I'm just having a conversation. Leave him alone."_

_The boy had blinked at Buffy, weaving a little like he was drunk or stoned or something, then he'd smiled, and Will had been amazed at the transformation._

_"Sure, Buff. If you say so. I gotta go meet Willow anyway." He'd shot a last, hard look at Will and then was gone._

Will had just stared after him. That smile had stayed in his mind for a long time. "He thought I was somebody else. He called me 'Spike'. Buffy said he was kind of stalking her or something and I thought, you know, bloody jealous ex or something. Didn't think much of it. But - the kid tried to blow up the high school during graduation ceremonies." 

Devon's eyes went wide at that. He was from Barstow, out east in the fuckin' desert and had come to USC about six months ago. Met Oz and joined the band when their first singer had quit to 'find himself' up in Portland.

"Seriously? Dude, tried to blow it up how?"

"His dad - well, foster dad, his real folks just disappeared on him - was some ex-Army guy or Reserves or something and somehow Xander got a hold of a bunch of C-4. He had it all over the school. He almost did it, too, but the principal found some of the - fuck, demolition wire or something? Called it in. It was crazy. Xander kinda lost it, just - went nuts. Dad said they had to taser him, then they carted him off." Will stubbed out the cigarette butt and leaned back on the couch, hands behind his head, looking up at the ceiling as he remembers all this.

"Took him down to that place near Oxnard," Oz said quietly, and Will nodded. Oz had been in that graduating class - had come that close to losing his life. He'd known Xander in a peripheral sort of way for three years. 

"You knew him?" Devon asked, and Oz nodded. 

"Yeah. I'm in his - his fantasy world or whatever, too. He thinks I'm a werewolf." Devon just stared at his boyfriend, and after a minute Will went on with the story.

"After that - well, he was a juvenile when he tried that, and they did some drug therapy and stuff for like...six months and then he got released. About - I dunno, a month later? He shows up on our door. He's all fuckin' - beat up. Bloody and ragged. He said - he told us he'd had a run-in with some demon, didn't know what, exactly, but he knew my dad would have it in his books somewhere. He...." Will stopped again, rubbing his eyes. Xander had been thin and bruised; split lip and probably cracked ribs and some cuts on his back. Attacked by someone, but no hope in hell of finding out, since all he did was talk about demons. His eyes, so wide and wild, his hands shaking over the books but a determined look on his face. 

_'We've got to figure out what it wants - how to kill it. Before it hurts somebody else.'_

They'd looked through books and fed the kid leftover chicken until he fell asleep at the table. When he woke up the next day he seemed to think they'd gone out and gotten the demon - killed it - and he couldn't believe 'Giles' was letting 'Spike' live with him.

"He just - slid us right into the fantasy, man. My dad is a Watcher - somebody who knows all this occult stuff and knows about demons and stuff. And I'm a vampire only for some reason I'm good or something - I help kill other vampires and stuff. And - Angel's a vamp, too, but he has a soul for some reason. Oz is the werewolf, and Buffy was - she was the Slayer." 

Devon slowly ate the last mozzarella stick and wiped his hands, looking wide-eyed from Oz to Will. "What's the Slayer?"

"She's - and it's always a girl - is some sort of super-woman. Stronger and faster, and she's chosen out of all the girls in the world to be the Slayer and kill vamps and stuff. When the Summers moved away, he was really - fucked up. Kept saying Buffy was dead and that the other Slayer was - crazy, or something, and how would we keep the Hellmouth safe without her…?"

"Wait - 'Hellmouth'? What's that?"

"That's Sunnydale," Oz said. He leaned up against Devon and looked over at Will, his eyes sad.

"Yeah. There's like this portal or something to hell and supposedly it's under the high school. The Hellmouth. That's why there's all these demons and things, and that's why he has to fight. So nobody will open the Hellmouth and let all the demons out." They sat there in silence for a few minutes, and Devon finally let out a low whistle.

"So - wow. How come he's running around lose? Why isn't he in a hospital or something?"

"Yeah, we wondered too. They sealed his juvenile record. And when the drug therapy they were doing seemed to be working, they cut him lose. He didn't have insurance or anything, so.... They just kicked him out. He can't afford the drugs and - I don't think he'd take the bloody things anyway. He's an adult, he's - fuck, twenty? Just a couple years younger than us. And since he doesn't really hurt anybody, not any more than those wankers over on Fraternity Row, so, they mostly leave him alone."

"He goes over to the Treehouse sometimes, lets Willow feed him, give him clothes. But he's real nervous over there just lately. "

Oz got up and began to gather the plates and empty bottles and Will stood up to help. Willow ran a shelter and free clinic down near the river, called it The Treehouse. She had some group down in L.A. - a bunch of lawyers or something - who gave money and organized donations of needles and food, things like that. Her ex, a former Sunnydale resident named Cordelia had set it up. Willow was, in Xander's world, a powerful witch, and the gentle quasi-hippie redhead did her best to keep him grounded in the real world. She was one of the few people Xander trusted completely.

"Man. That's just...." Devon couldn't seem to come up with anything more to say and after a minute he moved over to a vanity and started putting on some stage makeup and fixing his hair. Oz gave Will a brief smile and a one-armed hug, and Will smiled back. 

_Damn. I can't think about him right now. Gotta get the energy back up, gotta get ready to go out there and kick ass..... Damn kid.... Okay, fuck - let's do this._

Will snapped on the boom box that sat on the floor and Black Sabbath poured out, loud and screaming. Will grinned and started singing along - went to a vanity and grabbed a stick of black eyeliner and started to fix his eyes. Beside him, Oz was drumming on Devon's shoulders and Devon started singing too, spiking his hair up with mousse. They were all wearing their 'gig' uniform of tattered jeans and 'Dingoes' t-shirts. Oz's t-shirt was three sizes to big, Devon's had the sleeves ripped off and the collar cut down, and Will's was skin-tight and slashed raggedly here and there, showing a little skin. 

_Yeah, we look good._

In a few minutes they were amped, getting excited again and ready to play, and Will pushed Xander and his dark world away into a corner of his mind and tried to forget.

Their second set went until almost one, with the band being called back for three encores. The crowds were getting better - hell, _they_ were getting better - and Will shot Oz and Devon a huge smile as they finally came off stage. They were all wired - totally up - and they bounced back to the greenroom to take a break and get some water. In a few minutes they'd get their instruments put up, but since they were playing again tomorrow, Clem said they could leave the rest of their gear on stage. Angel would see to it that nobody touched it and that was good enough for Will.

"Oh _man_ , that was fuckin' great, man, you were just _hittin'_ it!" Devon grabbed Will around the neck and kissed his cheek, sloppy and smiling and Will laughed and pushed him into Oz.

"Fuck _yeah_ , that was hot!" 

_I'm almost twenty-three and this still feels better than anything else. I dunno if I'm **ever** gonna quit...._

There was a mini-fridge in the corner and Oz opened it and got out water bottles, tossing them across to Devon and Oz, cracking open his own and guzzling half in one long drink. He came up for air, gasping and grinning and the three of them just laughed. It felt _good_ , to have the crowd out there; watching your every move, cheering the good ones and singing along and just - feeding the energy you were putting out right back to you, like the biggest closed circuit there was. 

Will picked up a towel and wiped sweat off his face and neck. His eyeliner was smeared and he looked like a little gothy. _A little like a vamp. 'Cept, what vamp bleaches his hair and wears it like a 'bloody dead hedgehog'?_

Will laughed at himself in the mirror as his father's phrase drifted through his mind. Devon was stripping his shirt off, using it to mop under his arms and down his belly and Will knew Oz would be doing the same in a minute - that they'd both translate the post-show adrenaline into a fast and furious mutual wank up against a wall or in the back of the van. 

_And that's just for starters and I think I'll be on my way._ Devon and Oz never cared if anybody saw, but Will wasn't with anybody - hadn't been for a few months - and he wasn't in the mood to watch when he wouldn't be getting any.

"I'm off, mates - gotta go see a man about a -" There was a _crash_ from the hall, and a shouting voice getting louder, and suddenly the greenroom door slammed open, hitting the wall hard enough to gouge a chunk of plaster out. It rebounded halfway into the person who'd opened it and Will's heart was in his throat for a minute until he recognized Xander.

"What the fuck -?"

"Spike! C'mon, you gotta hurry, there's these vamps, they got this guy - we gotta help him! I tried to by myself but I need help!" Xander was wild-eyed and panting. There was a fresh bruise coming up on his cheek and jaw - his knuckles were bleeding and his flannel was torn, the hem flapping down by his knee. His jeans had acquired new tears in the knees, and a long smear of something that might be oil.

"Xander, hey -"

"Fuckin' hell!" Angel careened through the door, plowing into Xander and knocking him to the floor - pinning him there. "You little bastard, I told you you _can't. Come. Back. Here_." Angel knocked Xander's head into the floor with each word, furious, and Will jumped on him, trying to yank the bigger man off Xander.

"Angel, knock it off! Let him up!"

"Look what he fuckin' did to me!" Angel pushed himself to his knees, hauling Xander up by his shirt-front. Angel's shirt was torn over his chest, and there was blood seeping through the white cotton.

"I _told_ you Angel, you can help or you can get the hell out of my way! I'll do it again if your precious _soul_ won't let you help people who need it!" Xander was struggling wildly, trying to get Angels' hand to unclench from his shirt, his boots skidding on the worn linoleum.

"What in hell -" Devon was staring at Angels' chest and Angel gave a growl of anger and shoved Xander away _hard_ , rolling him into a vanity. The mirror rocked alarmingly and Will grabbed it - reached down and got Xander under the arms and hauled him to his feet.

"Xander, what did you do to Angel?"

"I just - I wouldn't _really_ stake him, Spike, but - he wouldn't let me in! We gotta _go_." Xander was trying to pull Will along with him, heading for the door, and Angel climbed to his feet.

"I'm gonna _hurt you_ if you come around here again -" Angel grated and Will shot a pleading look over at Oz. 

"Man - would you get my guitar and stuff? I'll - I gotta go -"

"Yeah, go, I got it," Oz said, reaching up and putting a hand on Angel's shoulder, tugging him around towards the couch.

_Thank god for Oz - always calm in a bloody crisis. Unlike the rest of us._

Will followed Xander down the hall and out the back door - down the alley, all his adrenalin and energy from the set giving him a little more speed than usual, making his heart pound and his head a little dizzy. They skidded around the corner and Xander pointed to a parking lot across the way, lit by one streetlight. There were figures there, moving, shouting, and Will felt his heart leap painfully.

_Fuck, he's gonna get me **killed** some night. Jesus, what the fuck -_

The vague figures resolved into four boys - high-schoolers- surrounding a fifth. They were yelling - _kicking_ \- and the one in the middle was on his knees, arms up in a defensive position that made Will lose his breath. He _remembered_ that position all too well, and the shock of it made him choke for a minute, trying to gasp in air and keep upright.

Xander passed him, yelling; he'd acquired a length of board from somewhere, and went in swinging. Will caught his breath and followed, helpless to do otherwise. He launched a hard punch straight into the first face he saw and the shock of it connecting made him grin. Whatever Xander thought he saw, Will knew one thing for sure - it felt fucking _good_ to just whale on somebody sometimes, and when it was like this - four against one - it felt even better. 

Xander had laid one out with a blow from the board and was swinging at the second, who was scrambling back with a terrified look on his face. Will punched again - did a hard kick right into somebody's crotch and watched with satisfaction as the boy went down, his breath coming out in a high, breathless squeak of pain. The fifth boy had staggered up, holding his ribs and coughing, crying. His face was bloody and pale, and he staggered. 

"Xander! Hey! Grab this guy - get him back to the Bronze! I'll finish these wankers off, yeah?" Xander landed one more solid blow to a thigh, sending his victim to his butt, yelling. He tossed the board to Will and grabbed the other kid.

"Be careful, Spike! C'mon man - come with me -" He led the boy away and Will turned to the rest. One was down, holding his leg. One was unconscious - the first one Xander had got. One was standing there, gaping, and one was holding his hands to his nose, blood streaming down his face and dripping off his chin.

"You get the fuck out of here, you bloody little sods. Or I'll let my friend come back and finish you off. Get out!" Will charged at them, board held high, and the two where were upright grabbed their friend and dragged him off. The last one climbed to his feet and hobbled after, cursing. Will tossed the board down and watched them disappear into the shadows, then turned and jogged back to the Bronze. When he got there Xander was sitting on the pallets, hunched way over with his arms around his ribs.

"Hey, Xander? You okay? Hey, mate -" Will touched his shoulder and he jerked away, hand coming up in shock, pushing him away even as his eyes found Will's face and recognized him.

"S-spike. Hey. It's okay, Oz - Oz is helping that guy out. Did you d-dust 'em?"

"Yeah, I got 'em. Hey, you okay? Xander?" The boy was absolutely white and he slipped down, off the pallets - hit the dirt before Will could even stop him. His arm came away from his belly and Will saw a dark stain - saw - 

_Blood. Oh **fuck** no, oh no, no... Jesus kid, what the **hell** were you thinking!_

"Xander! Fuck, you're hurt, you - we gotta get you to the hospital -"

"No! No, no, no, I - Spike, it's okay, I just - " Xander pushed weakly, trying to stand up and Will pulled him to his feet. "Giles can fix it, okay, Spike? Giles will know what to do. Can - can you just take me there Spike, please?" The look of pleading was overlaid with exhaustion - with fear - and he was starting to shiver. 

_Fuck, he's going into shock, or that fever is still too high...fuck!_

"Xander, I've only got my bike tonight, I can't -"

"I can hang on. I can, really! Please, Spike -" Xander clutched at his arm, shaking hard now, his eyes huge and wet. His lip was bleeding, too, and his look was spacey.

"Damnit - bloody _hell_.... Okay! Okay, we'll - you just hang on bloody tight, you hear me?" Will dragged him down the block to the tiny little garage where Oz kept his van and Will had his bike parked. They only used the van for hauling equipment around - Sunnydale was small enough that you could walk pretty much everywhere. But no way could Xander walk across town to the flat. Will got on and got the engine roaring - waited while Xander shakily climbed on.

"You put your arms around me and _hold on_ , you hear? You fall off and I'll fuckin' leave you!" 

Unbelievably, Xander laughed - a weak, wheezing chuckle. "Liar," he said. His arms came around Will's waist and hugged tight and Will toed the bike into gear and took off, going a little too fast by not caring. He could feel something, warm and wet along his back and realized with a start that it was blood, and that Xander was shivering violently.

_Oh God damnit, Xander! Please don't fuckin' fall off, don't faint, bloody hell...please, please...._

Will had never felt quite this panicked before - quite this overwhelmed and he hated it - hated feeling the kid bleed all over his back. He just wanted to wrap him up in cotton wool - keep him safe and never let him go.

_I am so fucked. Jesus, why do I have to...._

Xander felt like a dead weight - felt like he wasn't even aware, and Will went a little faster - breathed a sigh of relief when the complex came into sight. The lot was quiet, most of the windows dark, and Will parked and got Xander's arm in his hands - swung his leg forward over the gas-tank and slipped off the bike, holding tightly to Xander's wrist. The boy was slumping over, eyes mostly shut and face dead white and sheened in sweat. The shivering was less but Will knew that wasn't a good thing. 

He hauled Xander's arm up over his shoulder and half-carried the taller boy towards the flat, cursing when Xander's feet tangled and dragged, almost bringing them both down. He all but fell down the half-dozen steps that led to the apartment door and leaned gratefully against the door, gasping. He kicked with his boot, hoping his dad was still up. After what seemed an eternity there was a thudding and then the rattling of the lock, and the door creaked open.

"Open up, Watcher - it's me an' Xander," Will said, and saw momentary confusion and then understanding go over his dad's face. The door swung wide and Will dragged Xander in - got him over to their long-suffering couch and dropped down with him. Xander was panting, his lungs making a kind of liquid wheezing, and his skin was now more greenish-grey than white, and cold to the touch. He rolled his head weakly on Will's shoulder and looked at Giles.

"Hey - Ju-Giles...." 

"Xander, my God.... Wi - _Spike_ \- what happened?"

"I dunno. There were some - vamps and this guy was getting hurt and Xander got him back to the Bronze, but I didn't see him get - cut, or whatever the hell has happened." 

Will got out from under Xander's arm and eased him onto his back. He grabbed the blood-soaked t-shirt in his hands and ripped it open and he and his dad both stared down for a long moment of shock.

"Dear _God_ he's skin and bone -" Giles strode to the storage closet under the stairs and hauled out the oversize tackle box they kept there. Their first-aid kit, since they'd met Xander. 

"Dad - fuck - Watcher.... Is it bad?" Will crouched down next to the couch, gently pushing Xander's hair back off his forehead - stroking his cheek. The stubble was rough under his fingers, the cheekbone sharp. Will wanted to scream and punch the couch cushions but he didn't. He bit his lip, hard, and concentrated on being calm - on helping Xander.

"I think it's long and shallow rather than deep, or he'd be - well, there'd be more blood and more - bits. Here, help me get some of this blood mopped up." Giles pushed a box of cotton pads at Will and went quickly into the kitchen. He came back a moment later with a bowl of steaming water and they began to clean away the blood. Xander just lay there, gasping for breath, his eyes fluttering shut and then coming open, his hands eerily still at this sides. When the blood was cleaned away, the cut was revealed to be exactly as his dad had said, and Will blotted the skin dry carefully with a last pad. He watched as his dad smeared Betadine over the cut and then pulled it carefully shut with a row of butterfly bandages. Then he laid clean gauze over it all and taped it all down.

"There, that should do it," Giles said absently, smoothing the tape. Xander made a small sound - a sigh - and when Will looked up at him he realized that the boy had fainted. It was relief and delayed fright, then, that made Will sink his head down onto the couch and gasp harshly, shaking so hard his teeth rattled. He felt his dad's hand on his shoulder, squeezing softly and then slipping off. Giles tidied the kit away and put it back under the stairs, then went into the kitchen to get rid of the bowl and bloody water and wash his hands. 

Will listened to him cleaning up and finally lifted his head - wiped the back of his hand over his eyes and twisted around. 

"Do you think he'll be okay?" 

Giles walked slowly into the living room and sank down into his over-stuffed chair, a small sigh escaping him. "I can't be sure, but I don't think that cut is the real problem. He sounds like he may have pneumonia and he felt fevered."

"Yeah, he looked pretty sick when we saw him before; he said he was going to Willow's."

"Did he?" Giles twisted around and got the phone - dialed a number and waited. "Hello, Willow? This is Rupert Giles.... Yes, he's right here on my sofa.... No, he was - fighting, Will just brought him here.... Yes, well, I suspected as much.... Would you? That would be extraordinarily helpful. Yes, all right. Good night." 

Will watched his father hang up the phone - watched him take off his glasses and slowly polish them with a handkerchief. Will looked down at Xander and smoothed his heavy, sweaty hair back one more time, then he noticed the blood on his hands and stood up hastily, going into the kitchen. "What did Willow say?"

"She said that Xander did come by earlier, before Dr. Wyndham-Pryce had gone home. He took a look at him and he does have pneumonia. He wrote a prescription for him but Xander wouldn't take it."

"Damnit. He's gotta take something -" Will shook water off his hands and grabbed the towel that hung through the 'fridge door - dried his hands off. 

"Yes, he does. The doctor was kind enough to make up an injection for Willow - antibiotics and some vitamins, I believe she said. She's going to come round with it tomorrow." Giles sounded tired, and Will came back out to the living room and put his hand on his dad's shoulder.

"Hey - let me run upstairs and get a quick shower, okay? Then you can go on to bed. I'll camp out down here." That was the usual routine, if Xander spent the night - Will on the floor in a nest of old Army blankets and a sleeping bag, Xander on the couch. Xander persisted in regarding Will's room as a guest room, but even when they agreed with him he wouldn't sleep in it. 

Giles nodded wearily in agreement and Will jogged upstairs, showering and changing into some sweat pants and a t-shirt, grabbing his pillow off the bed. Coming down the stairs he slowed, smiling. His dad was playing his guitar - singing softly - and Will came down the last few stairs carefully, trying to be quiet. Xander was propped a little on some pillows, his eyes open but still glassy. He saw Will and his mouth twitched in a ghost of his usual smile.

"Hey Xander. How're you doin', mate?"

"I'm okay." Xander's voice was hoarse and weak and he made an aborted attempt to sit up and then collapsed back, coughing weakly. Will hurried to the side of the couch and crouched down beside him.

"Don't, pet. Just relax. You got hurt, you need to rest." 

Xander's gaze was fixed on Giles' hands as they slowly strummed the guitar strings, and he nodded almost absently. "I really like this one, Spike," he whispered, and Will nodded, turning a little to watch his dad as well. Giles strummed another line of melody and then sang softly:

_"Fly, my little dove, wander far_   
_night sky broodin' and stormy_   
_shine beside me wisdom star_   
_light the desert before me…_

_So long Willie my wastrel boy_   
_farewell sister my Sally_   
_I am the spark and mercury rollin' joy_   
_'cross the Bitterroot Valley…._

Xander's eyes were closed again, but he mouthed the words silently and Will had a sudden urge to hold him - to make his nightmare world go away forever. 

_God - like that would help. Or maybe it would. He always seems so lonely, even when he's around us. Separate...._ When the song was over Xander opened his eyes again and smiled at Giles, that sweet smile that made Will's heart do a little extra thump, and Giles smiled back.

"So, Xander, do you think you're up to some food? I've a lovely beef broth just made today." 

Xander licked his lips and nodded slowly. "Yeah, I - I think so. I'm kinda hungry."

"Of course you are. All right, then - W - Spike will keep you company." Giles handed his guitar over to Will and got up, padding softly away into the kitchen and Will cradled the guitar, stroking the honey-gold wood with his fingertips.

"Play something, okay, Spike? My belly hurts and that kinda...helps." 

Will looked over at him and smiled. "Sure, pet. What would you like to hear?"

"I.... I don't know...something...." He fell silent and Will waited a moment, and then started a soft strumming. 

"Tell me if this is okay," Will said, and a moment later he started to sing. Xander's eyes were fixed on his, and he seemed to sink back a bit - to settle deeper into the couch and the blanket Giles had drawn up over him.

_Are you going to Scarborough Faire?_   
_Parsley, sage, rosemary and thyme._   
_Remember me to one who lived there._   
_She once was a true love of mine…._

Will sang, and Xander's eyes blinked once, heavy with fatigue. It was one of the first songs Will had ever learned, and it was special, because his mum had taught him the chords; holding him on her lap, her guitar so big and awkward in his hands, her arms warm, curving around him and placing his fingers just so. The memory of his mother was so strong that when the song came to an end he half-expected to feel her hand through his hair - feel her breath on his neck as she whispered to him. He jerked a little, startled, as Giles came back into the living room, a bowl of broth in his hand and a glass of orange juice.

"Xander?" Giles asked softly, and Will looked over at the kid. He was asleep, his breath bubbly and thick but even. Will got up quietly and tugged the blanket a little closer around him - carefully slipped the worn work-boots off his feet. He hesitated for a moment and then stroked his fingers gently over Xander's forehead, pushing back the fringe of dark hair.

"We'll let him rest, then. I'll...." Giles went back to the kitchen and started to put things away, and Will followed, setting the guitar down gently on the kitchen table. 

He watched his dad for a minute, leaning against the counter. "Dad? I - need to ask you...something."

"Of course, Will," Giles said, shooting him a look over his glasses and Will took a deep breath.

"Do you think - can he ever get better?" 

There was a long silence as Giles finished putting the broth away in the 'fridge and wiped the counter slowly with a dishcloth. "I - I really don't know, Will. I'm not a doctor, but it seems - he seems - so entrenched in this - notion. And he won't - submit to any therapy.... I just don't know." 

Will nodded, fingers idly winding the drawstring to his sweatpants around and around. "It's just...." Will couldn’t talk and he felt his dad's hand on his shoulder and had to lean in - had to rest his forehead on the soft green chambray of Giles' shirt and breath, for a moment, the mingled smells of paper and dust and tea and lemongrass. Familiar and comforting.

"What is it, Will?" Giles said softly, his hand rubbing slowly up and down Will's back.

"I want him to get better, dad. I - I want him to...to know who I am - to know _me_ ; Will. I want.... Dad, I think I'm...I'm in love with him, a little bit." 

Giles' hand stopped for a second and then resumed its slow journey up and back, and Will felt his dad sigh. "I thought as much. Will - if he can't ever - get better...."

"I know," Will whispered. He straightened up and looked at his dad - saw sadness and acceptance in the steady gaze that met his. "I know he might not - ever. But I want - I _have_ to try and - do something. I can't - make myself stop feeling...I've fuckin' tried." 

Giles' frowned for a second and then laughed a little, shaking his head. "I almost told you to watch your language, but considering the topic of conversation, I'm surprised that's all you said." Giles took his glasses off and rubbed his eyes - looked out into the living room and Will knew his was looking at the kid sprawled over the couch.

"I won't tell you to give it up. Or to - find someone else. I know you can't dictate to your heart. Just please don't - build castles in the air, Will. If he's to get better, the journey will be long and hard, and you may wish you'd never got started on it, or that you never met him before it's over." 

Will wanted to protest - wanted to tell his dad that was rubbish. But he wasn't _stupid_ , and he knew that whatever happened, he'd end up hurting sometime. "Yeah. I know. I just - have to try."

"Of course you do." Giles sighed and straightened up from the counter. "I'm off to bed, then. I'll see you in the morning - be sure to draw the curtains before you lay down."

"I will. Night, dad."

"Goodnight, Will," Giles murmured, and dropped a soft kiss on his hair - went away upstairs. 

Will hauled the blankets and sleeping bag out of the downstairs closet and arranged them next to the couch - pulled the curtains across the windows so that 'Spike' wouldn't wake up in a patch of sunlight. He turned off all the lights except for a small lamp on his dad's desk. Then he lay down in the gloom, curling himself into the blankets and squishing his pillow up just right. Xander slept on, his breathing steady but labored, his face relaxed. One foot twitched a little, restlessly, and Will reached up and smoothed his hair back one last time.

"Night, Xander. Sweet dreams," he whispered. He closed his eyes, and was asleep before he knew it. In the morning when he woke up, Xander was gone.

"Dad? Is Xander up there?" Silence, and Will bit his lip. It was just past nine, and normally on a Saturday this would mean an hour or more in bed and then breakfast out at the little diner down by the public library. It made surprisingly good waffles, and served them all day, and he and his dad were both addicted. Then they'd walk the downtown, window-shopping mostly but always ending up buying a few books and a magazine or two. Go to the park and read, or see a matinee. Saturday was one of few times Will and his dad were home and together at the same time, and they enjoyed their routine.

But with Xander here - it would be different. Will wouldn't be able to go out, for one thing. Xander had run into him once, middle of the day downtown. It hadn't been good. So Will made sure to stay out of the sun if Xander was around, and made sure to avoid him if he saw him during the day. Which wasn't often, and wasn't _that_ odd, and Jesus, where _was_ he?

Will went quietly upstairs and peeked into his dad's room. Indirect sunlight lit the faded Persian rugs and crammed bookshelves, and lit streaks of silver in Giles' hair where it lay tousled over his sleep-smooth forehead.

_When'd **that** happen? Never even noticed...._

Will backed away and hurried down the hall. The bathroom was dark and empty - his room empty as well. He'd already checked downstairs. Xander wasn't in the flat.

_Damnit. Maybe Willow came by -_ Will hurried downstairs and called the Treehouse. Dr. Wes answered.

"Hey, Dr. Wes. It's Will Giles. Uh - Xander was here last night, he slept over, but he left before I got up. Is he - did he show up over there?"

"I haven't seen him, Will. Are you sure he's not -"

"He's really not here. He was - wheezing last night, pretty bad, and he had a fever. And he got cut. We fixed it, but -"

"Oh dear. He's really very sick, Will. Anything that would weaken his system at this stage is not good. If he doesn’t get treatment immediately, he's really at a very great risk of being hospitalized."

"God _damnit_!"

"Yes...ah, there's Willow, let me -" Will waited impatiently as Dr. Wes put the phone down and talked to Willow. He couldn't hear them clearly enough to eavesdrop. He filled the kettle and put it on the stove, turning the gas up high, knowing he wasn't in the mood to wait.

_Why in hell did he leave? Please be with Willow. Damn kid, why does he - ?_

"Will? I'm sorry, nobody's seen him. I'll start asking around - there are a few people in here already who might know. And of course, if he comes in we'll call you."

"Damn. Yeah. Okay, Dr. Wes, thanks. I'll - I'm gonna see if I can find him. Just - call us if anything happens, okay?"

"Yes. We'll do what we can from here. Goodbye."

"'Bye." Will hung up and stood there for a minute, watching the blue fire under the kettle. Then he turned and ran upstairs - got on jeans and t-shirt and boots and ducked into the bathroom for a rushed couple of minutes. Emerging with his hair dripping into his eyes he knocked on his dad's door and then opened it, leaning on the jamb.

"Dad? Hey, dad -" Giles moved - turned - then was blinking up at Will. He rubbed his hand over his face and got up on one elbow, squinting.

"Yes? Is everything all right?"

"I dunno. Xander's gone. And I just talked to Dr. Wes - he's not over at the Treehouse, either. I don't know how long he's been gone but Dr. Wes is pretty worried about him."

"Damnit," Giles said, and he pushed himself upright, swinging his feet to the floor and stretching hard. "What are you going to do?" he asked, and Will smiled. 

"That obvious, huh? I'm gonna find him." Giles looked at him, and his expression was one of concern.

"That might not be such a good idea. You remember -"

"I _know_! I know. But I can't just.... I'll come up with something to tell him, okay? I'll - tell him it's a spell or something 'cause Willow knew I'd be the only one that could find him. I'll _make_ him believe me. I can't just bloody _sit_ here!"

Giles held up a hand, nodding, and Will kicked at the door jamb, wishing he was with Oz and could just scream. Or just _tell_ him, because Oz understood - so much - and he had a way about him that made you calm no matter what.

"I understand what you're feeling, Will. I just - I just want you to be cautious. You never know what might - damage him further." Will stared at his dad for a moment, and then he sighed and scrubbed his fingers through his hair - gave it a hard jerk, because he _still_ wanted to scream but he sure as hell wouldn't do that around his dad.

"I know. Believe me, I know. But - he'll have to go to hospital if we can't get him over to the Treehouse. Dr. Wes said. And you know how much he hates the hospital." Giles flung the sheet away and stood up, picking up a dressing-gown from his chair in the corner and shrugging it on.

"Yes, well - there is that. All right. You go look. And I'll - I'll stay here in case he comes back or - or Willow calls. You take my cell, all right?"

"Yeah, right. Dad, I just -" Will didn't know what to say that he hadn't already said last night, and his dad's hand was warm and reassuring as it gently squeezed his shoulder.

"I know, Will. It's going to be fine. Be careful, all right?"

"Yeah. Okay. I'll - I'll call in a while, see if anything's happened."

"All right." Will smiled at his dad - hesitated for a moment and then gave him a quick hug. Then he was down the stairs, grabbing his keys out of the bowl and the cell off the charger. He grabbed his duster and flung it on, shoving the cell into an inner pocket. He straddled his bike and got the key in - turned it - and a moment later he was roaring away down the street, cursing to himself when the wind whipped into his unprotected eyes, stinging them.

_I'll live. Xander might not._

Xander had, as far as Will knew, been living on and off in the basement of an abandoned house. The city occasionally came and rousted him out - sent him packing and put boards up over the doors and windows. But Xander would lie low for a week or so and then move quietly back in, slowly re-establishing his lair. Will had actually been down, a couple of times, and it was actually not as awful as it could be. It wasn't a doorway or a sewer grate.

_But it's still bloody awful, most of the time,_ Will thought, and it was. 

As basements went it was fairly standard - concrete floor and walls, exposed pipes. There were mice and roaches, even though Xander kept what little food he had in a big, plastic bucket with a lid. It was dim, and cold, and stank of must and rot and wet from the ground water seeping in. He'd dragged this horrible old lounger in there, and a ratty couch, and had knocked together a table from scraps he'd stolen from a construction site. No electricity, but Will knew he had half an old fuel drum and the grill off a bar-be-que that he used for cooking and heat, when he needed it. Knew the toilet worked after a fashion if you dumped a bucket of water down it, and knew he took showers at the Treehouse. And their house, when they could coax him to it. That's when they got him new clothes. Told him they were washing the old stuff and here, put _this_ on in the meantime. They'd tried to get him to move in with them - with Oz and Devon, who had squatters all the time. But he wouldn't.

_Should never have let him stay there - fuckin' basement. Probably got sick from sleeping down there. Lucky he hasn't been sick before. Damn it, Xander, why did you leave? Must have heard us talking about medicine - he really hates that...._

Xander most times wouldn't even take aspirin, and the one time he'd been hurt bad enough to go to the hospital - the time he'd saved Will from his own trip to the ER - he'd had to be shot up with morphine and strapped down to the gurney. That had been one awful night and Xander had managed to slip both hospital staff and inquiring police and get out of the hospital before dawn. He hadn't come around for a week and when he'd finally shown up he'd actually _yelled_ at 'Spike' - told him to _never_ take him to the hospital again.

_And then he let me pick those damn stitches out of his face 'cause he wasn't even gonna go near Dr. Wes for a while. Bloody stupid kid...._

Will downshifted savagely and bit his lip. He hated feeling like this - feeling utterly helpless. He imagined Xander felt like this quite a bit of the time. He'd felt like this the night three boys from Fraternity Row had cornered him behind the Bronze and decided to take a baseball bat to the 'fuckin' queer'. That had been the third time he'd seen Xander - three days after he'd shown up at their house. 

Will had been on his knees, at that point - wheezing from a cracked rib, his eye swelling shut, trying desperately to ward off the kicks that were driving him to the filthy alley floor. The loudest of the three had let the baseball bat slid through his fingers until he was holding it by the end. He'd swung it once or twice, holding it easily and Will was sure he played on a team - was sure he'd done this before and cringed from the sick gleam of enjoyment in the boy's eyes. He'd lifted the bat and swung, and it was coming for right for Will's head and he _knew_ he wouldn't be able to dodge it. 

And then Xander was there, leaping on the boy's back and knocking him flat, yelling at Will to _run_.... Will had watched in amazement and horror as Xander had scrambled for the bat and whacked first one boy than another - not in the head but in the stomach and chest, hurtful blows that made both run away. The third boy had scooped up a beer bottle and smashed it into Xander's head and Xander had gone down, the bat clattering away and rolling into Will's knee. He'd picked it up and lurched upright - run at the last boy, screaming, and he'd turned and fled. Will had stood there for a minute, hurting all over and then turned to look at his would-be rescuer. Xander was struggling to sit up and when Will crouched down next to him and hauled him upright, he'd glared at Will.

"Spike! Why in hell didn't you run? You know you can't fight humans - what the fuck is wrong with you?" he'd snapped, blood pouring down his face, and Will had recoiled a little, wondering what was going to happen next.

"Xander? What in bloody hell...! You need a hospital, mate - you're bleedin' something awful."

" _No_ hospitals! And you keep away from my blood. Spike, where's -" And then he'd passed out again, and Will had called 911. Watched, five minutes later as Xander had had a full-blown freak out.

Will was pretty sure at least one of those three boys had found Xander and gotten a little payback; a couple weeks later he turned up at the Bronze, looking like something the cat dragged in. But he'd never asked, and Xander had certainly never said.

_Still has that bloody scar, too. Bloody bastard, runnin' in - 'can't fight humans', what bollocks...._

Will was all too aware of the 'story' behind that, and wondered what in hell would prompt the boy to come up with something that...cruel.

Will made a left at the corner and pulled up to the house Xander was living in. And stared in dismay at the trucks and huge green dumpster that sat in front of it. He got off his bike and walked up to the house, seeing workmen through the empty windows stripping out cabinets and knocking down a wall. A fat, sweating man in a hardhat saw him and scowled.

"Hey! You can't just wander around here!" The man stomped down off the porch and marched up to Will, chewing on the end of a cigarette. "What the hell do you want?"

"Uh - there was a kid - he was living here, in the basement?" 

"Yeah - kicked him out. Damn junkies. He had a damn fire burning down there! Could'a taken the whole building out!" The man looked Will up and down and his expression clearly said _'another fuckin' junkie'._

"Well fuck! When did you - when was that?"

"Week ago, ten days. Somethin' like that. You a friend of his?"

"Yeah, I - I am. Did he say where he was going?" Will got out a cigarette of his own and lit it, his hands shaking just a little.

"I dunno. Here." The man walked over to a red and silver truck and pulled something out of the bed - a worn backpack, one strap broken and the pockets on the sides half torn off. "Found this down there, behind a panel. His, I guess. You want it?"

Will stared at the battered pack and slowly reached for it and the man let it into his hand, wiping his fingers on his jeans as he let go.

"If he comes back here, I'm callin' the cops," the man said, and stomped away. Will nodded absently and walked back over to his bike. He sat down on the saddle and looked at the pack.

_Open it? He had it hidden.... Fuck it. Might say where he is._

Will unzipped it and began to look through the contents. A few tattered comics - two spiral notebooks with pens clipped to the rings. A book that looked like it had been stolen from a library. And a stack of loose paper, worn and brightly colored, that Will recognized with a little lurch. Dingo's flyers, the ones they put up on telephone poles and billboards whenever they played. The ones they took with them in stacks so they could saturate the likely locations in any given town the day before they played. They were all folded in such a way that as Will looked through them he saw his own face looking back, page after page.

_Oh, God.... What in bloody hell does this mean? Does he...? Fuck, this isn't **helping** , Will, you wanker! You've got to find him. Think!_

Will zipped the pack shut and hung it over his shoulder - started his bike, ignoring the stares from the workers. He took off down the street, heading for the Treehouse. Maybe Willow would have some ideas.

_It's almost six fuckin' o'clock! Where the hell is he!_

Will had never felt so frustrated or so frantic; had never felt so utterly helpless, or so near a total breakdown. Oz had called his house around two, and he and Devon had gone out to search as well. Willow had talked to person after person as they came into the Treehouse, grilling them over the food line or in the clinic about the 'Vampire Hunter'. 

Giles had quietly asked around at the hospital and made some phone calls but nothing - absolutely nothing. Willow was ready to call the police, but Will wanted her to wait just a little longer. The police wouldn't be able to do anything, and knowing how jumpy Xander was around any authority figure, he didn't want him bolting or trying to fight - ending up arrested and shipped off to some state facility that he'd never get out of.

Will cursed a steady string of invective as he made his way back home. The cell battery was dying, and he needed to get off the bike for a while. Maybe walk down to the docks or something. On foot he might have a better chance....

He turned into the parking lot and killed the engine - sat slumped for a moment in the saddle. Then he took a deep breath and went inside. Giles was there, on the phone talking to Willow, it seemed, and they both shook their heads at the other's inquiring look. Will slumped down on the couch, leaning his head on the back and letting the pack slip off his shoulder to his lap. He closed his eyes, feeling so very tired. 

_Don't know what I'll do, if we can't find him. Don't know.... Xander, love - why are you doing this?_

"All right. Thank you, Willow," Giles said softly, and hung up the phone. After a moment Will felt him sitting down on the couch and he shifted and looked over. His dad was looking tired as well, and there was the crease between his brows that meant he had a headache.

_Damn. Shouldn't be dragging him through this. Maybe we **should** call the police...._ "Dad -"

"No luck, I'm afraid," Giles said, and he looked at Will with a small smile - looked down at the pack. "What's that?"

"Oh - the foreman at that house Xander's been living in found it. He gave it to me." Will stroked the ratty nylon and Giles looked intrigued.

"Do you mind if I-?"

"Oh. No. Go ahead. I looked already. Nothing in there. I mean, nothing that does a bloody bit of good." Will passed the backpack over and watched as his dad took each item out, examining them. He paused for a long moment over the flyers, shooting Will a look over his glasses and Will raised a half-hearted grin.

"If we ever find him, maybe I can - can tell him I.... " Will stopped and drew a hard, ragged breath. "I want to tell him, dad. I want him to _know_. " Will felt the tears that had threatened on and off all day well up in his eyes and he shut them again, leaning his head back and letting them run down his temples and into his hair, cold and ticklish.

"I know, Will. I know." Soft acknowledgment, and his dad's hand on his knee for a moment. And then:

"I say, what's this?" 

"What?" Will sat up, wiping his eyes, and saw his dad was examining the book. "Oh - looked like a library book."

"Yes, it is. From the high school."

"Huh?" Will took the book, flipping it open and seeing the rubber stamp on the inside cover. 'Sunnydale High School'. The book was water-damaged, the binding loose.

"Watership Down. He's got some of it marked...." Will looked up at his dad, who was staring at the book. The high school had been built over a sinkhole or fault line, and the summer after Xander had tried to blow it up it had mostly collapsed. They'd condemned the site, but hadn't cleared the rubble away yet. Some enormous tangle of State and Federal red tape was stopping the city from moving forward, and so the building just rotted in on itself year after year. Xander took a particular delight in going past it from time to time. Something had happened there, if only in his head that made him happy.

"Oh, fuck - dad, no way is he - could he be _there_? Why in bloody hell would he -?"

"I don't know, Will, but - we've exhausted all other possibilities." They looked at each other in stunned silence for a moment and then Will was jumping to his feet, his dad right behind him.

"We'll take my car - and get the first aid kit, and a torch. I'm going to call Dr. Wes and ask him to meet us there," Giles said, grabbing his jacket and struggling into it as he dialed the phone. Will hauled the first aid kit out of the closet and then the torch from its place on the shelf. He flicked it on to test it and then stood impatiently by the door, waiting.

"Right - here we go," his dad said, and they jogged out to his car.

The school grounds were fenced off, but four years of illegal raves, fights, drug dealing and general juvenile delinquency had put numerous holes in the sagging fence, and Will and Giles easily found access. They waited impatiently for five minutes before Dr. Wes showed up, hauling a soft-sided bag with a red cross on the side. Willow jumped out of his car after him and together they made their way into the building.

They stood in the ruined hall off the main entrance, looking at various piles of rubble, broken bottles and assorted trash. A stained, torn mattress rested in one corner and Willow made an 'ewww' face when the beam from the torch shone on it.

"How in hell are we gonna find him in here? He could be anywhere!" Willow said, sounding as desperate as Will felt. But - 

"No - not anywhere. I'll bet he's in the library." Will looked over at his dad who nodded, a small smile coming over his face.

"I'll bet you're right, Will. This way, then." They followed Giles, stepping carefully around the collapsed bits of wall and broken desks. There was graffiti everywhere and more broken bottles - an enormous stain of soot on the wall and ceiling where there had been an impromptu bonfire. A bird or bat, disturbed by they're passage whirred up and away, startling a squeak out of Willow.

"Sorry guys. We there yet?"

"Yes - just here. Will -" Will took the torch from his dad and watched as he pulled the listing library door open. They went cautiously inside, torch beams flickering wildly.

"I can't -" Willow started, and then Will heard it - heard _him_ , and he dropped torch and kit and _ran_. He vaulted over a broken bookcase, and up the stairs and Xander was _there_ , right there, curled into a knot of torn sleeping bag and flannel shirt, moaning. Will crouched down next to the shivering figure, putting his hand on Xander's cheek. It was like touching the side of a hot stove and Xander jerked away, crying out.

"Dr. Wes! Please, he - hurry!" Will felt his legs wobbling under him and he went down hard on his butt. Xander was staring at him - flinched when a torch beam cut across the air and illuminated his face.

"Sss...Spike? Spike -" Will couldn't feel his legs, he couldn't breathe - and then he _could_ , and he took a sharp, painful breath; leaned forward and pulled Xander over into his lap. He could hear the others on the stairs, coming up, and he pulled Xander closer, curling around him, hitching the shivering, rail-thin body up onto his thighs, getting Xander's head on his shoulder.

"Oh _God_ Xander, what are you _doing_ here? We've been going out of our fuckin' minds trying to find you!"

"K-kicked me out. D-dad kicked me out an'...I thought.... Dawn said you were here, she sss-said you were sick and -" Xander shuddered and shuddered, the fever twisting him like a cloth and Will held him fiercely, rocking him, trying to get him as close as he could - enfold him.

"Xan, love - who's Dawn? Why would I be _here_? You've got to come home with us, love -"

"Xander? Oh God!" Willow was there suddenly, down on her knees and reaching out, and Xander recoiled. He was crying now, a thin keening of distress and exhaustion and he let out a ragged shout when Willow touched him.

"Don't, don't! You skinned him, you... Willow, you -"

"Shhh, love, shush, shush. Willow wouldn't hurt you, she wouldn't hurt _anybody_ love, she wouldn't." Will looked at the others, bewildered, his hand stroking and stroking the sweat-soaked hair back from Xander's face.

"But I saw it, I...oh God, oh God....he shot Tara, he sh-shot Buffy and - and -"

"Love, love, you said Buffy was dead -" Xander twisted - looked up at Will, his face white as milk, bruised and hollow around his eye sockets, the eyes themselves glazed and bloodshot and the tears just welling and falling, welling and falling. He looked sick to death and Will felt his own tears start again - felt his heart breaking for this boy that he wanted and needed and fucking _loved_ , so damn much.

"I th-thought she _was_. I - I just -" Xander stopped, confused, and closed his eyes - curled his fist into Will's shirt and sobbed.

"My damn cell doesn’t work in here. I'm going to go outside," Dr. Wes said, standing, and Willow rose with him.

"We'll wait for - we'll be outside, okay?" Willow said, and Will knew they were calling an ambulance - knew there was no way around it now. Xander's fever was probably getting deadly-high and his breathing was thick and liquid and uncertain. Will nodded, cuddling Xander closer, and his dad freed a blanket from the tangle on the floor and drew it around them both, snugging it tight.

"Thanks," Will whispered, and Giles nodded. In the reflected glow of the torch Will thought that he was crying, too.

"Xander love, it's all right now. I've got you and it's all right. Gonna make you all better, gonna feed you up and get you fat and - and you're gonna come stay with us, love, no more of this nonsense, hear me? Hear me, love?" Xander nodded into his chest and then for one moment he was utterly still and Will clutched him fiercely, terrified that Xander had stopped breathing - that he had - he was -

"Will?" Tiny, tiny voice. A name Will had never heard from him, and Will tipped Xander's head back so he could see his face - could see the wide, black eyes.

"Xander, honey -"

"I know it's not right. I _know_. I ss-see things and I don't - I don't know what's r-real, I don't...I d-dream and.... W-will, please help me, _please_. Will, please, please...." Xander's fingers were digging into Will's arm, his chest, hurting and desperate, and Will hugged him hard, rocking him, his cheek to the too-hot forehead, his heart pounding so hard he was sure Xander could feel it.

"I will, I will - do anything for you, love, anything. Just hold on to me, stay here, we'll fix it love, I promise," Will whispered, and Xander shuddered and nodded and cried into his t-shirt, _'please, please,'_ over and over, while Will just held on himself, tight as he could.

As hospital rooms went it wasn't awful _Like that squat wasn't awful_ , but there was something _about_ hospital rooms that just creeped Will out. The smell, for one. Dead, stale air tinged with ammonia and over-cooked food and that sweetish, sickish smell of illness. 

His mum had died in hospital, going down so fast they'd barely had time to grasp it - to understand it - and then she was gone, and Will had hated hospitals ever since. But not as bad as Xander, and Will had refused to leave the room for three days - was prepared to stay there as long as it took, because Xander was _not_ going to wake up alone.

_Called me Will. Is it - is something happening now? Somehow things are getting clearer for him, maybe. Or - the fever, maybe. Something. Please let it last...._

Xander was still fevered - it came and went - and he had a thin tube under his nose, pushing oxygen down into his lungs. Thank God they hadn't had to put a tube down his _throat_ , but it had been a near thing. The cut on his stomach was infected as well, as were a number of smaller wounds and things that looked suspiciously like rat bites.

_Poor thing, poor love...._ Will thought, absently smoothing the heavy hair off of Xander's forehead. The thin, pale face was turned towards him just a little - the eyes moved restlessly under the papery lids, but Xander didn't wake up.

_"He's very lucky,"_ the doctor had said, tapping her pencil on the chart, her broad East Indian face and shiny black hair somehow comforting. She was like the doctors at mum's hospital, and the accent and the whiff of cardamom made Will feel a little better. 

_"You got him here in time. He was severely dehydrated, very weak with the infections. And his lungs had started to fill with fluid. But I think we've caught it all. His system is very weak, so don't expect much out of him for a while - for a week, maybe."_

_"When will he wake up, do you think?"_ Giles had asked, and the doctor had tapped her pencil some more, looking at the still figure under the sheets. 

_"That I cannot tell you. But don't worry. He is healing. The drugs make him tired, and the dehydration. Give him time."_

Will would give him all the time he needed. The others came in in shifts; his Dad most often, when his classes were done, Willow when she could, and Dr. Wes when _he_ could. Oz and Devon a couple of times, and Oz himself every night, late. Sitting in the dimness with Will, just _being_ there, close enough to touch. Lending his calm. Listening to Will talk about Xander; about what he was feeling, and where it might go, what might happen.

_"You love him. Start there, and don't worry about all that other crap,"_ Oz had said, reaching and rubbing his neck gently - pulling him over for a hug. Will had sighed and just rested there against Oz for a minute. Did his best to let all the other stuff go. He couldn't do a bloody thing about any of it, anyway, but he _could_ love Xander, so he would.

Third day, third night, and Will was reading. Reading aloud, because the doctor said that was fine, that was a good thing. Reading the library book Xander had had in his pack, because it must mean something that he'd had it all this time - that he'd hidden it away. Reading about rabbits, and trying to keep his voice steady and light - trying to urge Xander out of his twilight with familiar, comforting words.

_"As Hazel still went up, the south wind began to blow and the June sunset reddened the sky to the zenith. Hazel, like nearly all wild animals, was unaccustomed to look up at the sky. What he thought of as the sky was the horizon, usually broken by trees and hedges. Now, with his head pointing upward he found himself gazing at the ridge, as over the skyline came the silent, moving, red-tinged cumuli. Their movement was disturbing, unlike that of trees or grass or rabbits. These great masses moved steadily, noiselessly and always in the same direction. They were not of his world._

_"O Frith," thought Hazel, turning his head for a moment to the bright glow in the west, "are you sending us to live among the clouds? If you spoke truly to Fiver, help me to trust him."_

There was some slight movement from the bed and Will looked up, waiting. Xander's hand moved restlessly on the sheet and then stilled, and Will watched for a moment longer and then resumed reading.

_"The wind ruffled their fur and tugged at the grass, which smelled of thyme and self-heal. The solitude seemed like a release and a blessing. The height, the sky and the distance went to their heads and they skipped in the sunset._

_"O Frith on the hills!" cried Dandelion. "He must have made it for us!"_

_"He may have made it, but Fiver thought of it for us," answered Hazel. "Wait till we get him up here! Fiver-rah!"_

Will started when that last, _'Fiver-rah!'_ was echoed and he looked up at the bed. Xander was looking at him, smiling just a little, his eyes clear and wide.

"I love that part," Xander said, and he winced. His voice was strained and cracked and Will knew his throat probably hurt like crazy with the raw oxygen scouring it for three days. He moved in a daze, the book tumbling to the floor, and got the pitcher of water from the beside cabinet. He clumsily poured some out into a cup - bent the straw that was in it and held it up to Xander's mouth. 

Xander drank slowly, a grimace of discomfort on his face. His gaze never left Will's. After he'd drunk about half the cupful he pulled away and Will replaced the cup on the cabinet.

"Better now?" he asked, scooting his chair closer and sitting back down - taking Xander's cold hand in his. Xander nodded - smiled again, squeezing Will's fingers weakly.

"Yeah - a little. Spike -?" Will felt his own smile freeze on his face and he had to look aside - had to shut his eyes for one long moment at the sharp pain that lanced through him.

_Fuck, still the same, still - oh God...._ "What is it, love," he said softly, turning back to the boy, and Xander was looking a little lost, now - a little afraid.

"Hospital, right?" he asked, and Will nodded.

"We had to, pet. You were so sick, you would have died. Xander - why did you run away? Why didn't you stay at the flat?" Xander shook his head slowly - infinitesimal movement of his head on the coarse, bleached linens. 

"I don't.... I saw you, Spike. I saw you - down there. In the basement. You were hurt and - I had to get you. You were being tortured, or.... Buffy wouldn't - go for you...."

"Love, love," Will said softly, and he lifted Xander's hand to his mouth, pressing the boney knuckles to his lips. "Buffy's not here, Xander - she hasn't been here for years. In the school - in the school you called me Will." Xander looked at him, his eyes very wide, and then he was trembling, panting, just a little, his chest working creakily and Will sat up, alarmed.

"Xander - don't! Calm down, calm down, okay? It's okay, just - just calm down love, please...."

Xander nodded frantically - shut his eyes, his fingers locked on Will's. After a moment his breathing steadied and he looked pointedly at the water cup. Will half-rose, hastily getting him another drink, not letting go of his hand the whole time.

"I - I remember calling you...that. I... I can see you. I can see you as you...are...." Xander said, glancing over Will where he leaned against the bed, dressed in a dark-red t-shirt and grey and white flannel shirt against the aggressive air conditioning. Faded blue-jeans, old canvas hi-tops. His hair a tousled mess from sleeping in the chair. 

"And...I can see you...the way you're _supposed_ to be. You're supposed to be _Spike_ , you're supposed to be...a vampire and - and you help us and…,. Willow is my _best friend_ and Giles knows - just everything and...Oz...." Xander was crying now, weak sobs that seemed to hurt him, tears slipping down into his hair. Will tried to shush him - wiped the tears away with the edge of his shirt-sleeve, but Xander just grabbed both hands, shaking his head.

"It's _real_ S-spike! It is, it _is_. I - I don't know why but it _is_ , and - we fight, we fight every day, we - we fight the evil that's all around we - we're hero's, Spike. We're _heroes_ and nobody - knows it, nobody knows it at all...."

"Love, please - it's all right, it's all right, shhh now, shhh, you'll make yourself sicker, Xander, _please_...." 

Will gave in, finally, to impulse and desire and just pulled Xander close - got one hip up onto the edge of the bed and one arm under the thin shoulders - lifted him and cradled him close and just held him, tight as he dared. Xander curled into him and sobbed, trying to stop, trying to control it and Will breathed the faint scents of smoke and dust that were still caught in Xander's hair.

After a bit Xander seemed to calm, and he lay limply against Will's chest, his breathing hitching and a little strained but slowing - evening out.

"All right now, love?" Will murmured, and he let his lips rest on Xander's hair - closed his eyes for a moment, just feeling what it was like to hold the boy - _No, he's a man...just lost, just scared._ so close.

"Spike...I lived it. I live it.... I can see it - all around me. I _dream_ it and I don't - I don't know when I'm awake and when I'm....not. I don't.... Something happened, Spike. Something happened, years ago and I was - I fell, and...there was so much...pain...and...when I woke up finally I - I was so lost.... And everything was _different_ , but it wasn't...and...." 

Xander stopped - lifted his head from Will's chest and wiped at his eyes with the sheet - sniffed a couple of times. Stared at him, and his lip was trembling but he didn't cry.

"You have a heartbeat - W-will. You have a heartbeat, and you don't, and you h-have another face and you _don't_ and I can't - I can't tell which one is the right one anymore. I just can't. I'm so tired...Will, I'm just so tired...." He buried his head in Will's chest again, shivering. Will pulled him close, slowly rubbing his back - rocking him, just a little.

"Oh love...." he whispered, "I've got you now. I've got you and I won't let go, I promise. We'll - we'll find the truth and we'll figure it out, Xander, we _will_. However long it takes. I'm bloody well not letting you be hurt anymore, love - I'm not letting you go again, ever. Hear me?" Will lifted Xander's face, his fingers cupping the tear-damp chin, searching the red-rimmed, smoky-dark eyes for comprehension - for belief. 

"Hear me?" he asked again, voice low and cracking as he fought his own tears, and Xander gazed up at him - nodded, finally, his own hand reaching slowly up and gently touching Will's face - feathering over his cheekbone and eyebrow.

"No scar there, Will. You don't have a scar," he said softly - wonderingly - and smiled.

_Christ. Oh Xander, love, you're gonna break my heart a hundred times but I don't care, I don't care...._ Will smiled back, his heart fluttering hard and fast as birds-wings.

"No scar, love. You want to lay back down now? You - you hungry?" Xander nodded and Will lay him gently back onto the bed, but stopped in mid-motion when he tried to rise and Xander tugged at his hand.

"Not hungry, W-will. Would you - would you read some more? I love...that part. When they get to their new home and they're all...safe."

"Course, love," Will said, and bent to retrieve the book. He straightened a crumpled page and found his place - reached out and took Xander's hand again and squeezed it tight - impatiently wiped his eyes on his sleeve and began to read again. Xander closed his eyes, mouthing the words with him.

_"In the twilight a swift flew screaming overhead and Hazel turned to Dandelion._

_"News! News!" he said. "Go and get them up here." Thus it fell to one of the rank and file to make a lucky find that brought them at last to the downs: and probably saved a life or two, for they could hardly have spent the night in the open, either on or under the hill, without being attacked by some enemy or other."_

"Spike! Get in here!" Harsh, panicked whisper and Will was ducking into the office, almost stumbling when the door swung shut and it was completely black. He froze, his hands outstretched.

"Xander? I need some light."

"No you don't. Jesus, Spike! What were you thinking? That's Maggie Walsh out there!" Will oriented himself toward Xander's voice and moved carefully, his fingertips finding a desk and then a chair arm, and he crouched down.

"Xander?"

"Shh. She'll hear you! She wants you back, you know. Don't you remember when Riley shot that homing beacon into your shoulder?" Xander's voice was low and hurried and shaky, and Will rubbed his hand back through his hair, sighing just a little.

"Xander, honey - it's Will. Remember? Not Spike. Professor Walsh isn't looking for me unless she wants to buy a book or something. I'm _Will_." 

There was a long silence and an indrawn, slightly wheezy breath, and then a light clicked on and Will squinted, putting up his hand. After a moment his eyes adjusted and there was Xander, crammed into the knee-hole under the desk, a torch cupped in his hands and his eyes wide and a little scared, his knees drawn up to his chest.

"S -ss -"

"No, _Will_. No scar, see? Spike is the dream, love." Xander blinked once and then twice - rubbed his fist over his eyes as if he was just waking up and Will pushed the chair to the side and settled down cross-legged beside him.

"You awake, Xander?" Another long moment of silence and then Xander was looking around - _looking_ at Will, and Will let out a relieved breath as that wide, happy smile turned up the corners of Xander's mouth.

"Hey, Will. I - yeah, I kinda.... That was old, that one."

"What do you mean?" Will reached over and stroked the long hair back out of Xander's face - touched his cheek for a moment with his thumb, just gentle. Three weeks out of the hospital and Xander was still thin - still weak in the chest; still _weak_ period, and Will wants to just curl up with him at home - wrap him in fleecy blankets and feed him beef broth and chicken soup and strawberry milkshakes, which was his special treat as a child, sick in bed.

But Xander won't stay home, won't let Will coddle him, and so Will takes him to rehearsals and to work here at the campus bookstore; takes him shopping in the daytime and out to the park and the beach so Xander can see him in the sun, can see his fair English complexion burn a bit and peel and look utterly human and _nothing_ like a vampire. Sometimes it works really well. Sometimes it doesn't.

"I mean," Xander said, after a moment of just leaning into Will's touch. "I mean - I've _seen_ that before - Maggie and...Riley and all that. That happened...a while ago. I don't know why I’m seeing it again. It's...weird. It's changing, too."

"Is it? How is it changing?" Will asked, and Xander scooted a little closer to him, coming out from under the desk a little and settling his drawn-up legs down cross-legged, his knee just bumping Will's knee. 

"Last time - last time you came to Giles house and - we almost didn't help you. This time, it was like.... Everyone was really worried. We helped you right away and then.... You came home with me." He was fiddling with a loose thread on the hem of one of the ratty flannels he refused to give up, and Will put his hand out and stilled the restless fingers before Xander ripped it.

"So - it's changing. Do you think - do you think you're...influencing it?" Xander looked up, his fingers warm and solid in Will's hand, and Will squeezed, just a little - wanted to lean in and kiss him but sometimes that wasn't a good idea.

"It's like - when I first came here? You were the enemy. I mean, you - _Spike_ \- tried to kill us all a bunch of times. But you - you're not him and...I think, maybe...." Xander stopped talking and frowned, and Will squeezed his hand again - dared to lift it and press it gently to his mouth. 

"Oh," Xander said, so soft, and he looked up at Will from under his eyelashes. "Do that again," Xander whispered, and Will did. The younger man was smiling now, and Will smiled back - leaned forward and very carefully kissed his forehead. Xander shivered just a little, and then he looked up at Will, his eyes sparkling.

"I think - 'cause we're - friends here, it's helping the other me be friends with Spike."

"Wait - what other you?" Will scooted a little closer himself, getting one of Xander's knees up on his crossed ankles a little, feeling the heat of Xander's leg on his shins.

"See, I think -" Xander tipped his head to one side, considering. "Not gonna - think I'm nuts, are you?" he said, and Will chuckled. 

"No, love. Not gonna think you're nuts." 

Xander grinned back, new joke, and Will felt the tension in his shoulders ease just a little.

Xander had told him, that first week in the hospital, that since magic was real where he came from, he figured something magical had happened - had sent him across dimensions to this place, where things were _almost_ , but not quite the same. 

He remembered there was a girl - a new girl, very strange and kind of...awkward. And something about wishes - something about his best friend being dead, and then not. And that's when it happened, and everything changed, and he woke up in a strange bed with a strange man telling him it was time to get up, go to school. But even as he'd walked the familiar halls things had overlapped. Like echoes, he'd said, and he's see things that weren't there - hear things that had never been said. It had just - overwhelmed him, and he'd run away, tried to find the familiar, and had gotten lost in dreams for days on end, until he didn't know what was real and what wasn't. 

He'd clung to the dreams because he was so lonely and so homesick - so scared. Told himself that the dreams were real and the other wasn't until he'd convinced himself so completely that the dreams had simply taken over. It had just been....so easy.

"I think the me that was _here_ is back - where I'm supposed to be. I think....he's changing thing because he's a different person. And I think....he dreams about _me_ , and what I'm doing, and sometimes - what you and Giles and everybody does...it...makes him see things differently." Xander was searching Will's face anxiously as he spoke. Searching for - 

_For what - for disbelief? For laughter? I'd never do that to you, love,_ Will thought. 

Xander had been given an anti-psychotic the first week in the hospital, and it had been horrible. He'd barely been able to think - to remember his _own_ name, much less if he was talking to Will or Spike. Giles had finally stopped the pills, and Xander had confided his theory to Will, and Will....

He believed him in a strange sort of way. He really did - or he wanted to believe him, because...he wanted Xander to be whole. Didn't want him to be...truly, truly mad. And a tiny part of him wanted it all to be true - magic and monsters, other worlds. Childhood fantasies become real.

_And childhood nightmares,_ he reminded himself. 

When he really _talked_ about it with Xander, the younger man seemed more and more in _this_ world, and less in the dream world. As if facing it - bring it all out in the open - was making _their_ world real. And that was good, as far as Will was concerned - that was _great_. So he was helping Xander research things - helping him to figure out dimensional travel and magic, even if the books at hand were nothing like what Xander remembered. Even his dad had pitched in, seeing that Xander was connecting more and more when they supported him in his search. It was - working, Will thought. It was really _helping_.

Most of the time. And then Xander would have a lapse - slip into that _other_ place for a while. But Will had gotten adept at getting him back out. Dr. Wes - didn't approve, but his dad supported him, and Xander _was_ getting better, he was sure of it. 

"Maybe you're right, love. Maybe you're really helping him... _cope_ with all the vampire and the demons in that place." Will smiled at Xander, who returned the smile but then looked down, sober again.

"I hope so," Xander said softly, and Will wanted to crush him close in a hug and never let go. "Things can be - pretty awful, there. I hope...he's happy. I guess if he's got you, he's happy." Xander looked up again, and his eyes were so dark - so full of some emotion. "Like I've got you, right Will? 'Cause...I do, don't I?"

" _Course_ you do, love, course you do - 'til you're bloody sick of me!" This time Will did hug him, hard and long, and Xander clung to him - pushed his face into Will's neck and shuddered a little - took some hard breaths like he might be trying not to cry.

"Don't know what I'd do without you, Will. I just - don't," he murmured, and Will kissed his temple - rubbed his hands hard up and down Xander's back and up through his hair, just trying to make sure Xander knew he was _here_ \- that this was real, and not a dream.

"I’m the one needs _you_ , love. Need you to keep me alert, yeah? Keep me thinkin', keep me goin'. Otherwise I'd just be on the couch with Oz and Devon, smokin' until my brain turned to mush."

Xander giggled at that and the gloomy air lightened. Will gave Xander one last squeeze - kissed his cheek, so close to the smiling mouth, and then pushed himself to his feet, holding on to Xander's hand.

"Come on and get up, love. Come see the professor. She's really nice." Xander let himself be pulled to his feet - hesitated a long moment and then nodded, following Will out of the office and out of the employees only area of the bookstore. 

Professor Walsh was standing there, talking to a hulking young man with a sort of military air about him; brush-cut hair and wide shoulders, stiffly upright, and Will approaches tentatively, hoping this probably-football player won't be a total jerk and make some nasty comment about the fact that he was holding Xander's hand. 

The other employee - an Asian girl whose college experience seemed to consist mostly of drinking and sleeping around - was sitting behind the counter, a bored and vacant expression on her face. As they walked over, the professor saw him and smiled.

"Will! I was just trying to find out about my books for the next semester but - uh - your co-worker there is a little confused about it, so I was waiting for you." She sounded just a little irritated and Will didn't blame her - it wasn't rocket science to check the invoices.

"Sure, Professor, I can find that out in just a minute. Have you met Xander? This is Xander Harris, he's - a friend of the family." The professor took in their linked hands in one glance and smiled at Xander.

"No, I guess not. Nice to meet you, Mr. Harris." She held out her hand but Xander didn't take it and Will turned a little, looking at him. He was staring, white-faced, at nothing at all and Will pulled him close, instantly nervous.

"Xander? Hey, you okay, mate? Xander?"

"This is a really bad idea. Spike, we should - we really should - Ss-spike - oh _fuck_ no - _Spike_!" Xander's voice went from a shaky whisper to a scream and suddenly he was on the floor, his hands clutching his face, his body writhing in agony or terror, Will couldn't tell. He was shouting - incomprehensible words and sounds, frantic and desperate. Dimly Will heard Professor Walsh saying something - the beeping of her phone - but he was on the floor with Xander, wrestling him into a tight hold, trying to calm him down. The big guy who'd been talking to the professor dropped down across from him.

"Is he epileptic? Is he on drugs?" the man asked, and Will just shook his head, wincing as Xander flailed and caught the side of his jaw with a fist.

"Here -" The man got one of Xander's arms in his hands and held it - half lay on his legs so he couldn't kick. Xander suddenly went rigid and made a low, tearing sound, a sort of groan and Will clutched him tighter.

"Xander - what is it? Are you hurt? Does something hurt? Love, please -"

"Get me out of here, S- Will, please, get me out of here," Xander begged, his voice rough, his face pressed into Will's chest, his free hand clenched tight in Will's t-shirt. Will got one hand free and forced Xander to look up at him, and he was crying, his eyes closed tight, absolutely white. "Please, W-will, please, please..."

"Can you get up, love?" Will asked softly, and Xander nodded. Will looked over at the other man who had relaxed his hold a little but was still pinning Xander down. "It's okay, uh -"

"Riley," the other said quietly, and Xander shuddered.

"Riley. It's okay, I'm gonna take him home." Riley looked a little skeptical but he nodded - rolled off and up and got one big hand under Xander's shoulder, helped Will get him to his feet. Xander just folded into Will, clinging so tightly Will wasn't sure he could walk, much less navigate them across campus and town.

"Xander, c'mon pet, you've gotta let go a little. I'll take you home but I can't walk, love. Come on, it's all right, I've got you, love, I've got you...." Will rubbed his back - dug his fingers into the rigid muscles of Xander's neck, hummed into his ear, _Scarborough Fair_ , and slowly Xander relaxed his grip. After a few minutes he finally calmed enough to open his eyes, and he looked around himself, taking deep shaky breaths. His fingers were still twisted tightly into Will's shirt, his eyes still running with unacknowledged tears.

"That was really b-bad, Will, God, that was...." Xander's breath hiccupped and he shut his eyes again for a moment then looked at Will again - reached and touched Will's jaw. There was probably a red mark there, because it still stung. "I'm s-sorry, I didn't - didn't mean -"

"It's okay, love, it's nothing. We'll figure it out, right? Nothing to be sorry for, it's okay." Xander nodded, looking miserable, and then his eyes flickered to something behind Will and he stiffened. Will turned his head a little and saw Professor Walsh standing there, a small frown on her face.

"I called your father, Will. He said he'd come right over - he wasn't in a class, so...."

"Oh. Thanks, professor. Listen, could you - could you just tell him that we're gonna go sit by the fountain? He can - find us there, okay? We need to get out of here."

"Sure, Will, I can do that. Is there - can I do anything for you? Do you need some help?" Will smiled at her just a little - hugged Xander close. The younger man was shivering, still breathing hard.

"No, its fine, we're - we're figuring this stuff out. We'll be okay. Thank you. Thanks, Riley," Will added, and the other man nodded silently. 

Slowly, Will and Xander went out of the bookstore and across the common, down a little grassy slope to a medium-sized white concrete fountain. It was always shady here, and the water arched and fell and arched and fell in a hypnotic, soothing rhythm that they both enjoyed. Will guided Xander down onto a seat at the edge of the bowl and they both just sat there for a few minutes, Xander snugged tight into Will's arms, his breathing slowing and calming, his shivers easing off. 

A fine mist blew from the arcs of water and it felt good, cool and pleasant on their necks and faces. Will rubbed Xander's neck - his back - ran his fingers gently through and through the tangled hair. Eventually Xander sighed and straightened up - wiped impatiently at his face.

"Better now, love?" Will asked softly, and Xander nodded - sniffed.

"Sorry," he said in a small voice, and Will bumped him with his elbow - kissed his cheek, trying not to scream in frustration.

" _Don't_ apologize, Xander! You didn't do anything wrong. I'm not mad, okay? I'm - I'm a little freaked out, and.... What happened? Can you tell me?" Xander smiled when Will kissed him but hung his head, the smile fading at the question.

"I - Professor Walsh was still kind of...scaring me. And then - Riley -" Xander shuddered, rubbing his arms. "Riley was - one of the soldiers, he helped grab you - _Spike_ , he grabbed Spike, let him - get experimented on.... He put _Oz_ in there! They hurt him, too - tortured him -"

Xander stopped and Will hugged him close again. Of all the things in Xander's 'other' world, Will found the Initiative - the experiments and the soldiers - the worst... The most inhuman and frightening. He hated to think that Xander had dreamed something like that.

"Okay, so, you were a little freaked. That's okay. But what - it was like...you were in pain."

"Things...were jumpy. I was remembering - them - and how scared w- they all were, with the soldiers and stuff running around.... And then - it was later, it was... _now_?" Xander pulled away - looked searchingly into Will's face, as confused-looking as Will felt.

"It's like - I was right _there_ , in whatever is - is happening to the other me. He - we were... _they_ \- God!" Xander stopped and took a breath - shook his head as if to clear it. " _They_ were fighting these...things. They didn't have eyes - they were horrible. And this man.... He was like - dressed like a priest. He g-grabbed me and he - he -" Xander's left hand went up to his face, cupping his eye.

"What, love? What happened to _him_ \- to the _other_ one?" Xander gasped in a sharp, wheezing breath and then looked at Will, his hand dropping away, both eyes wide and horrified.

"He gouged out m- his eye, Will. Pushed his thumb into it and g-gouged it out. Gouged it out...."

"Oh God," Will felt sick, and he reached behind and dipped his hand into the cold fountain water - ran his dripping hand over his neck and face. Xander huddled down, hugging himself, and Will swallowed and swallowed until the urge to vomit went away.

"God, okay. That's - _Christ_ , that's - horrible. But.... You're okay, right love? You're - I mean, you're eye is okay." Xander nodded, but his hand crept up to his face again, touching his eyelid.

"Yeah. I'm okay. And - it was really - cool, 'cause you - you saved me."

"I _saved_ -? You mean - Spike did?" Xander frowned - blinked. 

"Yeah, I mean - Spike. He - he jumped on that guy, that priest. He was screaming - c-cursing like a sailor." A shaky, hoarse laugh, and Xander sat up again, more composed.

"He _killed_ him. Snapped his neck and - and tore his heart out. Y- _he_ was all - bloody.... He did it for me. He killed that guy and he - helped me out of there and... He did it for me." And Xander was smiling.

Will woke slowly, muzzy from a late night. Second night of a gig, and it had been great - they'd stayed up and partied and taken a walk on the beach, having a blast. They were - where? Somewhere near L.A. He couldn't actually remember. He grinned to himself a little.

_Getting old, if I can't remember where I am. Not like I did any real partying._ And he hadn't partied, because.... Will stretched a little, and then snuggled back down, curving himself closer around the furnace-warm body that was pressed against him, back to chest.

_Because getting wasted with Xander around is a bad idea. And I don't need to get drunk when I've got this._ Will ran his hand slowly up and down Xander's forearm - linked their fingers together and let his lips rest on the silky hair that was tangled over Xander's neck and shoulders. 

Four months, since - everything. Four months since the hospital and Xander finally calling him Will. And they were finally sleeping together. Not _sleeping_ together - just - sleeping, cuddling. Frustrating each other to no end but they both wanted to go slow; they were both a little scared. Xander was still prone to slipping, a little. And Will - was just afraid of hurting him, of pushing him too far, too fast. Xander still had that little-boy quality about him for all he was only three years younger than Will, and it made him feel protective and....

_Makes me wanna be responsible. Makes me wanna do it right._

Will had had his share of sex - you got a lot when you were in a band, even if the band wasn't famous. Groupies of both sexes waited outside your dressing-room door or by the van. Kids who just wanted to touch that other world for a while - wanted to be up there with the stars, even if it was all a sham. 

But with Xander - he just wanted it to be...right. Wanted to make it perfect and Xander was nervous. He wasn't a virgin - or so he said - but he confused what he'd done with what his _other_ had done, and he couldn't be sure. 

_But I can wait,_ Will thought, and inhaled deeply the warm scent of the boy; musk and sweat and smoke from the club, a little lavender oil and clean cotton. Too tired to shower last night so Xander had just pulled on a clean t-shirt and underwear and fallen into the bed, and Will the same, except no shirt for him, because Xander was so _warm_ , he didn't need to.

_Not even naked! Devon would laugh his ass off._

Devon _did_ laugh, from time to time - he'd heard the stories, and knew Will had his 'past'. But as funny as he thought the shrinking virgin routine was, he didn't say anything about it around Xander. Nobody did. They all took their cue from Will and his dad, and treated Xander as if his occasional slips into the world of vampires and demons was just - someone telling war-stories, or talking about a book they were writing. Even Tara - when Xander had grabbed her hand one night and pulled her into a hard hug - told her he was _so_ glad she wasn't dead. She'd just - hugged him back, told him she was glad too. Will had left her a ten-dollar tip, that night.

Xander was getting better - he really was. He was really living in _this_ world now - taking part and pushing the other stuff away. Coming to terms with it and letting it be what it was - dreams that seemed real, but _weren't_ \- couldn't be. He wasn't letting them take him over, anymore. He'd even looked up his foster-dad and gone for a visit. He'd made Giles and Will come, and they'd met in the park. The other man - Wood his name was, Robin Wood, a tall African-American man - had stood stiff and still, ex-military obvious in his bearing. 

And then he'd broken down and cried, and hugged Xander too him, called him _son_ and told him how much he'd missed him - how he'd been trying to find him and help him but Social Services didn't know anything, and all the red tape, and how _was_ he, was he okay? Xander had been on cloud nine - had _remembered_ that man, and how much of a father he'd been. Had remembered love. They got together now - they were trying to bridge the years when Xander had just been _gone_ , and Robin - was becoming part of the family.

Xander was twitching just a little, his breathing was getting uneven, and Will got up on one elbow, leaning over him. Rubbing his shoulder and chest, trying to calm him. He was having nightmare, Will was sure, and he wanted to try and get him out of it before it got bad. 

"Xander? Love, wake up - it's okay. I'm right here, love it's -" 

There was a sudden, low rumbling - a bone-deep sound that _hurt_ , somehow, and then everything in the room shuddered. The bed vibrated, slipping sideways, and the soda cans and assorted junk on the dresser juddered and rattled, skipping towards the edge.

" _Christ_! Xander - wake up! Xander, come on, we have to -" Xander jerked in his arms - lifted his head and stared, wide-eyed. Will scrambled awkwardly over him and hauled him out of the bed, dragging him towards the bathroom doorway.

"C'mon, Xander! It's a quake! Just a little one, come on -" Xander stumbled after him, his hand clutching Will's in a bone-cracking grip and they both braced in the doorway, watching their toothbrushes and combs bounce to the floor - watching the plaster over the toilet crack and rain down a fine veil of dust. 

A minute later and it was over. Will could hear the wailing of car alarms, fire and police sirens, and he took a deep, gulping breath, sagging back against the doorframe, his heart pounding painfully fast.

" _Fuck_! I don't think I'll ever fuckin' get used to that," he said, grinning over at Xander. And then _not_ grinning, because Xander's face was white and he was sinking to the floor - he was _shaking_ and Will felt the dread rise up - felt his stomach knot.

_Oh God - fuck - what now, what now -_

"Xander? What is it, love? It's all over now -" Will crouched down next to him, reaching out to touch his shoulder and Xander shuddered - lifted his eyes to Will's and they were wide and empty.

"It's gone," Xander whispered, and Will squeezed his shoulder.

"What's gone, love?"

"S-sunnydale. It's - gone, it's...just a hole, just a p-pit-" 

Will thought his heart _stopped_ for a second, and then he was shaking his head, feeling the sweat break out all over him.

"No, it's not! Xander - c'mon love, just.... It's not _gone_ , Xander, that was just a tiny little quake, that wasn't anything."

"No - Will, no, it - it's _gone_ , it's - they were fighting it, they were fighting something so - so terrible and _Spike_ \- oh God, oh God -" Xander curled down around himself, crying now, and Will had the desperate urge to shake him - to _shout_ at him, and knew it wouldn't do a bit of good.

_Get yourself together, damnit! He doesn’t need you losing it, too! Nothing's wrong back home - they probably didn't even feel that, he's just - having a nightmare, not awake yet, he's - bloody fucking **hell** , it's not real!_

But it felt real, or at least the fear did, squeezing Will's throat tight and making his stomach roil. Because despite everything it was still so real for Xander, and sometimes - sometimes deep inside, in the very darkest part of the night, Will thought it was real, too. And that scared the hell out of him.

"Xander? I'm - I'm gonna get the phone. Just don't move, okay? Don't move." Will scrambled up and across the floor - retrieved the cell from where it had fallen, cushioned by a tangle of dirty clothes. He hit memory one and got back to Xander fast, getting down on the floor next to him and pulling him close. Staying under the door-way just in case there were aftershocks. The phone rang once - twice - a third time. 

_Fuck, I don't even know what time it is! He's probably asleep, damnit -_

_"Hello?"_ His dad's voice, sleep-fuzzed and hesitant, and Will let out a shaky breath he hadn't even realized he'd been holding.

"Dad? Hey - dad - s-sorry I woke you up, I -" Will could hear his voice - trembling and small - and he knew he was probably freaking his dad out but - 

But Xander was _crying_ , damnit, Xander was shaking like a leaf and it was freaking _Will_ out.

_"Will? What's wrong? Is everything all right? Are you hurt?"_

Instant awareness - his dad's voice getting sharp and a little loud, and Will took a deep breath, calming himself down.

"Yeah, I - we're fine, everything's.... Listen, dad, I'm sorry. We just got - there was a quake. Just a little one. We just got woke up by it and - Well, Xander really - freaked out. He said - he said Sunnydale was gone, just a big - pit - and... I kinda lost it, too." 

There was long moment of silence on the other end, and then Will could hear rustling - could hear his dad getting up, probably, or at least sitting up in the bed.

_"Bloody hell,"_ Giles murmured. _"But you're all right - the two of you are all right?"_

"Yeah, we're fine. It was a small one. Just - you know - a little plaster dust in our hair." Beside him Xander shuddered, scrunching closer, and Will rested his cheek on Xander's hair - hugged him tight.

"It's okay, love - it's okay," he whispered.

_"What was that? You're all right. And - I'm fine as well. I understand - well, it's perfectly normal to be a little - overwhelmed. But I can assure you,"_ his dad said, and there was an edge of laughter to his voice, _"that Sunnydale is fine. I didn't feel a thing so I'm sure that - that your quake didn't even reach us."_

"Yeah - okay. God, I'm sorry, I didn't meant to - to call you and freak you out, I was just -"

_"It's all right, Will,"_ Giles said softly. _"I'm glad you called. Let - would it help if I spoke to Xander?"_

Will thought about that for a moment. "Yeah - it probably would. Hang on, okay?" Will set the phone down and got his hands on Xander's shoulders - made him sit up. Xander's face was still shocked and pale - he was crying, but silent, so silent. Will wiped at his cheeks, smiling at him a little.

"Love - love, hey, it's okay. Xander? My dad's on the phone - he wants to talk to you. Sunnydale is fine, love - it really is. Would you - would you talk to him?" 

Xander stared at him - sniffed, and wiped his nose, and took a hard breath. "I - I _saw_ it -"

"I know you did, love. But - _here_ is fine. Here's here, love. It was just a dream, yeah? Just another dream, love. Will you talk to him?" Will held out the phone and Xander looked at it - reached a trembling hand out and took it.

"G-giles?" 

Will watched him - watched him sag in shock and relief as his dad answered him.

"Okay - okay...." Xander whispered finally, and handed the phone back - leaned into Will's chest, shuddering.

"I guess I'd better go," Will said, and he could hear water running.

_"All right - call me when - well, call me later. I'm going to watch the news - see how much damage was done. It might be difficult to get out of there for a couple of hours."_

"Yeah. I'll call in a while. Thanks, dad," he said softly, and he heard his father sigh down the line.

_"Of course, Will. Thank god you're all right. Do you - would you like me to come down? I can, if -"_

Will laughed, and it was shaky and a little strained, but it felt good. "No, that's okay - we'll be okay. Be home soon, I hope.... Love you, dad."

_"I love you too, Will. Goodbye."_

"'Bye." Will clicked the phone shut - put his arms around Xander and held him close. "Now tell me, love - tell me what happened." 

Xander sniffed - sat up a little, wiping his eyes. "God. I was - I mean, _he_ \- the other one. He was - in the school. They -rebuilt it, you know? In the same damn - place. And - something was there, something...horrible. It was killing - all these people, it was - it was telling them lies and... It had _you_ \- it - I mean, it had _Spike_ , it hurt him, it...." Xander took a deep breath and pushed his hands back through his hair, and Will put his hand on his knee, rubbing gently.

"It's okay. Just go slow, yeah?"

"Yeah," Xander said. "Anyway, there was just - these monsters. Everywhere. And - S-spike was the only one.... He was the only one who could save them all. And I - he - was c-crying because.... He had to die. He had to - God, Will - he's _dead_. Spike's dead, and Sunnydale is gone and - and I - he - he just wants to die, too."

Xander looked up at him, pain and loss etched across his face, and Will felt a lurch of fear and horror go through him. That other - his double? His - self. Was dead. It was...creepy.

"Oh, love - I'm sorry. I'm so sorry." Will pulled Xander close for a hug - kissed his temple and they both leaned there for a minute.

"I - I don't know what to do, Will. He's so unhappy.... He just wants to - to jump down into that crater...it's a fucking _crater_ , Will! The whole damn city is just - gone, and Spike's gone and...everybody's crying but…."

"Maybe - maybe you can make him feel better? Maybe - I dunno... There's magic there, love - maybe he isn't really dead. Maybe.... I mean, he's a _vampire_ , right? Maybe he'll survive it." 

Xander was shaking his head but finally he stopped and sighed - wiped impatiently at his face.

"Yeah, maybe. I mean - they brought Buffy back. She was dead and Willow resurrected her. So maybe…." He sighed again, and then raised a small smile. "Sorry I - I scared you. I didn't mean to."

"Oh, honey, it's okay. I don't care. Hell of a way to wake up, huh?" Will had to laugh - nerves and tension and left-over adrenalin from the quake and Xander laughed with him, the both of them holding on to each other and rocking back and forth until someone pounded on the door.

"Will! Hey, Will, Xander - you guys okay?" It was Oz and Devon and they pushed inside when Will opened the door, laughing as well, grabbing them and pounding them on the back - hugging. Oz and Devon were both in jeans, water on their arms and backs, hair wet.

"We were in the shower when - I mean, Jesus! Oz is fuckin' awesome but I never came so hard the building shook!" Devon said, and Will thought he'd hurt himself, he was laughing so hard. Xander blushed bright red but he was laughing too, hanging on Oz's shoulder while Oz just rolled his eyes, as unruffled as always.

"Christ, Devon - only you," Will choked out.

"Hey - I really _did_ think it was Oz for a minute," Devon said, slinging his arm around the shorter man and kissing his cheek and Oz poked him in the side.

"You're such a dork," Oz said. "So you guys are okay, right? It wasn't too bad."

"Nah - we're fine. Just freaked us out a little. _We_ were sleeping. Did you turn on the news? Think we'll be able to get out of here any time soon?" 

Will went over to the TV and turned it on, and they all settled on the beds to watch CNN - to see fire trucks and ambulances threading their way through the streets. Not bad, really - a small quake and some damage, but nothing horrific. Xander went to take a fast shower and came out brushing his teeth, and Will got a shower too, dressing while some anchor-woman showed them the extent of the quake. And his dad was right, the shocks hadn't even been felt in Sunnydale. Xander ginned at him, pulling on clean jeans, and Will grinned back. Things were - just fine.

Xander was crying in his sleep and Will just sat there for a minute, watching him. Moonlight cold and pale over his face and shoulder, the tears like molten silver in tracks over his face and beaded in his eyelashes.

_Fuck. Gotta wake him up...._ Will was tired - the clock said it was after four - and for a moment he wondered if Xander would calm by himself. _What the fuck is **wrong** with me? That's just - that sucks! What a bastard. _

Disgusted with himself, he slid a little closer and put his hand on Xander's shoulder, shaking him gently.

"Xander, honey - wake up. Nightmare, love, wake up. Xander?" He shook him again, and stroked his hair back from his face, and after a moment Xander moved - twisted, so he was on his back and looking up at Will. He dragged in a huge, hitching breath and then reached up and pulled Will down into a fierce embrace, whispering something over and over. It took Will a moment to understand what he was saying, and when he did he felt a chill.

"Spike - you're alive, you're alive...god, you're _alive_ -" He wouldn't let go and Will finally just lay half-over him, holding him, listening to that tear-choked voice murmur over and over until Xander fell asleep again.

_God. Spike? I thought that was over, I thought.... What are we gonna do?_

When Will woke a few hours later, Xander's side of the bed was empty and he felt a moment's panic. He rolled out of bed and grabbed his robe, hurrying down the hall. He almost fell over trying to stop himself when he heard music and realized Oz was there, and everything was fine. He stopped and actually tied his robe shut, pushed his hands back through his hair and then he stepped out into the main room. 

They were in their own place now, for almost a year. A year since the 'other' Sunnydale had been sucked into hell. A good year, really. One in which Xander had improved in leaps and bounds. He hadn't had any slips for over eight months. No times - awake at least - where he went into the other world. He still had nightmares, but they were going away. Everything had seemed so _good_. Until last night.

_Spike. I can almost fucking hate the guy. He's back? Alive? What does that mean? Glad Oz is here...._

Will walked slowly over to the kitchen area, watching the other two, who hadn't noticed him yet. Oz was playing his guitar, singing softly, and Xander was writing in his journal. He'd started it the day after the quake and wrote faithfully every day - said it helped, when he could go back and see what had _really_ happened, day by day. Will had even started keeping one on his computer, and Xander had gotten interested in learning how to use it, lately. 

He was preparing to go back to school, and knew he'd have to learn eventually. He said he'd rather sit naked with Will in the computer chair to learn than in a class full of kids who already knew half of the stuff they were being taught, and Will couldn't find anything wrong with _that_ plan. 

Oz glanced up at him and smiled but didn't stop playing, and the panic twisted in Will's gut again. Music - was still the way Xander calmed himself. 

_Guess he remembers...._ Will had been half-hoping that Xander would forget his nighttime declaration, but apparently not. Oz took a breath and sang the last bit of the song, one Will recognized from a CD somewhere in the van.

_"I hear the music and the songs of the spheres_   
_I hear the muses whisper into my ear…_   
_Storms are clearing the old_   
_On the wings of a tear…_

_Roll me through the clouds, it's time to fly_   
_I have so much to do, I'll never die..."_

"Good morning, love," Will said, coming around the table so Xander could see him, and Xander started slightly, looking up at him and then smiling. _That_ smile, open and happy, and Will grinned back, bending to kiss him, to run his fingers through the silken, earth-brown hair.

"Hey, Will. We didn't wake you up, did we?" Xander asked, his fingers going out to cup Will's cheek, and Will leaned a little into the caress.

"Course not, love." Will kissed him again and then straightened and moved to the stove. He shook the kettle - it was full - and turned the burner on, then got out a mug and the tea. He packed the small tea-ball full and put it ready in the mug, then went back over to the table and settled into the seat next to Xander. 

Oz was idly plucking the guitar, tuning it, and Will watched him, his foot jittering on the worn boards of the floor. Their flat was the top floor in an old warehouse - a part of the 'Revitalize Downtown Sunnydale!' project. The floors were all wide oak planks, silvery-grey and soft with age. The walls were brick, except for the dividing wall that made their bathroom and bedroom separate, and held up the platform that made the loft Oz and Devon used sometimes. 

Oz watched him - watched his foot for a moment. Will rolled his eyes and consciously tried to _stop_ his knee from bouncing up and down, but he couldn't. After a moment Xander stopped writing and looked over at him as well.

"I guess I woke you up last night, huh," he said, and his voice was so low - his expression so woebegone - that Will immediately let his fear and his anger and his - irritation? yes, irritation - go. Xander was obviously just as unhappy as he was.

"Yeah - you did." Will leaned forward, arms on the table, and stretched his hand out. Xander took it and held on, rubbing his fingertips over and over Will's knuckles. "Love, it's all right. It was just a nightmare, yeah? Nothing to worry about." Xander smiled crookedly at him, but then he looked down, and sighed, and Will felt his stomach drop.

_God, what - **what**? Jesus, what is wrong with me? _ "Xander? Tell me, okay?" Xander squeezed his hand tighter and then looked back up, and he looked - so lost.

"Remember - the earthquake? And I said Sunnydale was gone and - Spike was dead?" Will nodded, and he went on. "I - _he_ \- that other me...he was really fucked up after that. I could _feel_ it. I kept dreaming about him. He wanted to die. He - tried to."

"He tried to kill himself?" Will asked, and Xander nodded - winced a little as the purring kettle began to whistle. Oz held up his hand and got up; set his guitar in his seat and went to turn off the stove - pour boiling water. 

"Thanks, Oz," Will murmured when Oz set the mug down. Oz just nodded - picked up his guitar and resumed his seat and his idle plinking.

"He tried, and I don't know - what happened. I didn't dream about him - about any of it - any more. I didn't...see...anything. Well, I _did_ but mostly it was - old stuff. Like, I was seeing his...dreams? Or his memories - I don't know. But last night.... It was just like before. It was _real_ and Spike was there and he was so... _happy_." Xander rubbed his free hand back through his hair - looked down at this journal and touched the pages lightly with his fingers.

"I don't want it to start again, Will. I don't want to _dream_ about it, and I don't want to _see_ it.... _This_ is real, and this is where I am and I - I can't - _do_ it again, I can't, I can't -" Xander's hand was crushing his and Will got up and pulled Xander up - into his arms. Held him as tightly as he could, and Xander was shaking.

_God, I can't either. Do anything, love...._ "Honey, shhh... It's okay, it's okay. We'll figure it out. We won't let it start again, I promise, love."

Xander nodded into his shoulder, shivering, on the verge of tears but not letting them go, and they just stood there for a long moment, holding on. Oz started playing again, and Will listened, and tried to think. 

Xander had started working at the Treehouse, counseling runaways and generally just helping out. He was going in that evening and Will tagged along, wanting to talk to Willow. Wanting to know _what_ , exactly, was wrong with him. The late-evening sky was a deep scarlet, the clouds edged in saffron, their bellies shading towards bruise-blue. Lighting flared silently, all along the western horizon, and the breeze had a decided edge to it. Storm coming. The Treehouse would be crowded with kids trying to find shelter, and Willow would be running around making sure there were candles and torches, in case the power went out. Xander held his hand, head down and silent, and for once Will didn't know what to say.

_Just scared, maybe. Just.... I **love** him, fuck I love him...don't ever want to be without him. Why am I so...angry?_ Will slipped his hand free of Xander's and pulled the taller man into a hard one-armed hug, and Xander lifted his head and smiled at him. Sweet, trusting, _loving_ smile, and Will smiled back.

"Don't know what I'd do without you, pet," he said, and Xander kissed him.

"Probably be a big rock star," he joked, and Will smiled.

"Yeah, that's me, the next Mick Jagger," Will joked back, swiveling his hips and Xander laughed. Will kissed him back and then they were at the Treehouse, ducking inside just as the wind gusted sharply, bringing the first drops of rain.

"Hey, Will, you want some coffee?" Willow asked, and Will shook his head.

"No, thanks. I was wondering if I could talk to you. Kind of - on a professional level?" Willow's face immediately took on a concerned look and she glanced around, looking for Xander. He was across the room playing air-hockey with a skinny boy with a sling holding up his left arm.

"Is everything okay?" she asked, sitting down next to Will on the couch, and Will shrugged.

"I - don't really know. Xander had a - a dream. Last night. About Spike."

"Oh...." Willow nibbled her lip, her head a little to one side. Her rich auburn hair was done up in two braids, lending her a girlish air despite serious manner. "But - he seems okay. Is that what's bothering you or is it something else?"

"Something else." Will sighed and leaned his head back on the couch, staring at the ceiling, tracking the cracks and the water-stain from when the upstairs heater had burst. "It's.... Last night, when he had the dream? He was crying and it woke me up. And - for a minute I just.... I wanted to just turn over and go back to sleep, Willow. I didn't want to - deal with it." He glanced over at her and saw a tiny smile quirking the corner of her mouth and he sat up angrily.

"Bloody hell, Willow, it's not a _joke_!" A couple of kids watching the TV glanced over and Will lowered his voice. "I mean - what the fuck is _wrong_ with me? Thinking that? I _love_ him - I want to help him, I want -"

"You want a break. It's okay, Will." She patted his knee and he slumped back, staring at her. "You've been taking care of Xander almost all alone for a year and a half -"

"No, that's not right," Will interrupted, angry again. "You help, and dad does, Oz - everybody does! I'm not.... _alone_ -"

"Will, hey - peace, okay?" Willow held up her hand and Will searched in his pockets for his cigarettes - lit up with a trembling hand and smoked furiously for a minute.

"You're not _alone_ alone, okay? But - you're the one that _loves_ him. You're the one that hurts the most when he hurts. You're the one that cries when he cries, you know? It - wears you out. It's _okay_ to want a break, Will. It really is."

"That's just stupid," Will grumbled, pulling an ashtray over closer so he could tap his cigarette into it - so he could avoid looking at Willow. "That's - he's not _dying_ , it's not like he's -"

" _Will_. Listen to me." Willow squeezed his leg and Will finally looked up at her. "Lots of caregivers feel this way. You get burned out, and it's _okay_. It doesn't mean you're tired of him or - or that you don't love him anymore. It just means - you need a break. You juggle your emotions and his, and you make sure he's okay _all_ the time - you take care of him and it just means...you need to _be_ cared for, sometimes."

"But there's nothing _wrong_ with me, Willow! And there's not really anything wrong with him, either. Not anymore. That's why -" He stopped then, realization flooding him, and Willow smiled softly.

"That's why when he had this dream, you kind of - freaked? You didn't want to - start all over."

"Yeah. Yeah, that's.... God, that's so fucked." Will stabbed out the cigarette and watched Xander for a minute. He was playing easy, letting the hurt boy get in some shots, joking around and acting goofy, and the kid - who looked like a walking bruise - was _laughing_ \- was grinning from ear to ear.

"Look at him, Willow. He's so much better, and he's so bloody _happy_ and.... I don't want it to all start up again, you know? I don't, and _he_ doesn't. It scared him. Scared us both."

"Yeah. It's gonna be okay, Will. We won't _let_ it start up. Okay? Just - you're not alone, in this. We're all here for you." Will looked at her for a long moment and then leaned over and hugged her, hard. 

"Yeah, okay. I'll - fuck. I'll try not to feel like a complete fuckin' bastard and you tell me it's okay 'bout ten times a day and I'll be all right."

"Deal, sport-o," Willow said, and then she noticed a couple of kids coming in, soaking wet, and she jumped up to get towels and dry clothes, leaving Will on the couch. 

_Okay. I get what she's saying, even though it really doesn't make me feel like less of a...fuck-up. He's fighting, and so am I, and we'll be okay. More than okay._

Xander glanced over at him, laughing, and Will had to smile back - got up to join him, determined to be happy.

Around midnight, they left for home. The storm was raging overhead; thunder and lightning and rain like cold, slanting knives, and they stood on the front porch and looked out with dismay.

"Hey - it's Angel's birthday party at the Bronze tonight - wanna go? Get some free wings and stuff and tell that broody bastard congratulations?" 

Xander's expression lightened as he remembered the party. "Sure - free food sounds good. And Oz'll probably be there and we can get a ride home."

"That too," Will said, grinning. The both closed their jackets and hunched down into their collars. Holding hands tightly they leapt off the porch and ran like hell, shouting and laughing. At one corner the storm drain had backed up and they plunged without warning into ice-cold water that was up to their knees. Skidding and shouting, splashing like ducks, they waded out and ran on.

Will flinched as lightning earthed itself somewhere nearby, and the thunder that followed actually hurt, booming so loud he cried out. The air seemed to vibrate - to press in closely all around them and Will shuddered. It was uncomfortable - _unnatural_. Beside him, Xander was wide-eyed and Will was suddenly as scared as Xander looked.

"Xander?"

"Let's get the fuck out of here, Will - _run_ ," Xander shouted. 

Will didn't argue - he wanted _out_ of there. They pelted up the street, the wind blowing hard straight into their faces, the rain cold and stinging, half-blinding them. Another claw of lighting crashed down, making Will stumble and he could see the Bronze's sign up ahead - he could see a car pulling up and two figures, silhouetted in the glare of headlights and coming closer and he faltered.

"Will, I don't - I don't think I want to -" Xander was slowing - stopping - pulling on Will's hand and suddenly Will didn't want to get any closer to those people, either. But they were nearer still - coming on fast, and one had on a long coat that billowed around his legs, and the other was slightly taller and darker, and Xander was suddenly jerking his hand _hard_ , yanking him off balance, and he fell to one knee.

"Will, let's go _now_ , gotta go _now_!" Xander screamed over the storm. Will wanted to say _yes_ \- wanted to get up and run - but he couldn't, he _couldn't_. The two others were right _there_ , and one was holding out a hand, long and white, black-painted nails and the cuff of a leather coat. And _his_ face, his eyes, staring back at him, one black eyebrow _Scar, dear fucking **Christ** there's a scar, right through his eyebrow-_ raised in sardonic amusement.

"Bloody hell," the other said, and shot an amused glance at his companion. "Look a right mess, don't I?"

"Not happening, not happening," Xander was mumbling, and Will finally gathered his wits and his nerves and pushed himself to his feet - pulled Xander in close and held him. The storm seemed to have died down momentarily and they stood there, the rain hissing down all around, faint sounds of music from the Bronze drifting up the street.

"Who the fuck are you and what do you want!" Will snarled, and the other - _Oh fuck, **look** at him, he's **Xander** but...patch over his eye, fucking hell -_ held up both hands in a calming gesture.

"Hey, it's okay! We're not going to hurt you. We just - listen, can we go inside? I'm getting cold, and Spike hates being wet." 

Will stared at him, shaking. 

_His voice, his voice...God.... And **Spike** , oh fuck...what are we gonna do? This is -_

"Go inside here?" Will asked, and the other rolled his eyes.

"Well, _yeah_. Where else?"

"No," Xander said, straightening suddenly, and Will looked over at him. "No, not in there. Everybody's in there. Angel and Tara and - everybody." Xander's double flinched at that - cast one longing look over his shoulder.

"Tara? God...." Spike touched his shoulder, his expression almost as forlorn.

"Won't be our Glinda-witch, love. Let's just skip it, yeah?" The double sighed - smiled slightly. 

"Yeah, you're right." He looked over at Will and Xander - took a step forward. "Look. I'm - I'm Alex. We just - want to talk, okay? Just want to...talk." Will stared at him - at the shorter hair that curled around Alex's ears, at the patch, at the hard-worn clothes and bulky Army surplus jacket. Glanced at _Spike_ , who was watching him intently.

"Fuck...yeah, okay. Xander, that okay?" 

Xander shivered under his arm, then straightened, taking a deep breath. "Yeah. The - the IHOP's always open. C'mon." 

They turned and walked away, and the others followed silently behind, nightmares come to life.

There were only a clutch of teenagers and a couple of policemen at the restaurant, and they stood by the door for a moment, Xander wringing out his hair and his shirt, Will drying his face a little with some napkins. Dry under the coat he wore and _It's the same damn coat, same fuckin' leather coat only I didn't **kill** somebody to get mine... **Christ** he's a fuckin' **vampire**..._

Spike just shook himself and lit a cigarette with a muttered _'finally'_ , and Alex's Army coat seemed to have repelled most of the water. They slid into a booth at the back, Will and Spike automatically taking the outside seats and then smirking at each other. 

Xander was quiet, fiddling with the little bowl of sugar packets until Will reached over and gently laid his hand on Xander's wrist. He sighed and dropped the packages, then looked up at Alex. "I spent three years, give or take, living - your life. Seeing it and not being able to see anything...real. Was - was it the same for you?" 

Alex pushed his fingers through his wet hair and glanced at Spike, who looked back blandly. "No. It wasn't. I - dreamed about you. I know - it was really hard...harder than what...." Alex stopped, looking troubled, and Spike reached over and brushed his cheek with his knuckles.

"It's all right, love. Not your fault," he said softly, and Alex gave a strangled sort of laugh.

"Doesn't make it better. Those fuckin' dreams - God, Xander. I'm _sorry_ \- I'm so sorry...." Xander just stared at him, and after a moment he shook his head, heaving a sigh.

"Not your fault. But _somebody's_ fault. How did I get here?" Spike frowned at that, and Alex looked bewildered.

"You don't remember, mate? What _do_ you remember?" Xander opened his mouth to answer and just then the waitress came up. Will and Xander both got hot chocolate, and Alex coffee. Spike made a face and ordered tea, muttering under his breath about teabags. When the woman walked away, Xander leaned forward on the table. Underneath, his knee and thigh were pressed hard into Will's.

"I remember we were...trying to figure out the Mayor - how to kill him. And there was this girl.... She was kind of - strange. And..." Xander shook his head, shooting an almost pleading look at Alex. "I just don't _remember_! It's all so mixed up, that first year especially. I mean - I walked into walls that shouldn’t have been there and talked to people that weren't there.... It _hurt_ , getting here. I remember that."

"Yeah," Alex muttered, looking less than happy, and Spike touched his cheek again. 

"Never said _that_ before, love."

"I was trying to forget," Alex murmured back, and he turned his head enough so that he could kiss Spike's fingers. There was a moment of silence and then Will spoke.

"Do you _know_ how he got here? How you two - switched? Why?" Alex nodded, his mouth in a grim line.

"Yeah, we know. Giles and Willow figured it out, finally. That girl - her name was Anya. A Vengeance demon. Well, ex.... Do you remember her?" Xander looked thoughtful, then finally shrugged.

"I think. She was - awkward. Kind of - confused?"

"She was human after a thousand years of being a demon. She was more than confused," Spike said, and the waitress came up to the table, offloading their drinks and putting the check down. Alex started emptying sugar packets into his cup and Spike sniffed delicately at his - made a face. "Soddin' Americans can't make tea to save their bloody lives," he grumbled. Xander just stared at him and then snorted helpless laughter.

"Th-that's what Will says," he sputtered, and Spike shot a hard look at Will.

"Is it now? And what _else_ -"

"Don't, love," Alex said, stirring vigorously, and Spike subsided, stubbing out his cigarette and lighting another. Will dug his own pack out and lit up as well, suddenly _aware_ of everything he did.

_Jesus. Would this be **me** if I were - if I were a vampire? Or...fuck, this is too fuckin' weird._ "So how did it all happen?" he asked, and Alex took a tentative sip of his coffee.

"Anya was trying to get her power back. A necklace. So she did this - time spell. To find it before she lost it. It didn't work, though - she pulled in an alternate Willow from a - from a really fucked up universe. After Xander and everybody sent _that_ Willow back, she tried again and - Xander tried to stop her. He got - pulled in, and for some reason instead of just dumping him here like it did that other Willow it - switched us. It was something to do with Anya's spell - they never really figured it out." 

Alex took another drink and Will idly stirred the whipped cream that floated on his chocolate into a pale swirl, watching Xander - watching _Alex_ , who was - older, it seemed. The patch - a scar on his jaw, on his cheek - made him seem older. He looked at Xander, and the scar down the side of his face from the beer-bottle. 

_Both of them fighting and trying to save everyone else...even when they were lost - so far from home.... Heroes, both of them..._ Will blinked, not wanting to lose it right there, and he glanced up in surprise at a fleeting touch on his hand from Spike's fingers. _Fuck - he's so cold...._

"They're amazing, aren't they? Our boys," he said, and Will gazed back at himself and agreed.

"Yeah. Wouldn't trade my Xander for anything.... You're not - you're not going to try and take him back, are you?" Will felt a sudden panic and beside him Xander stiffened.

"No - hey, no way! I'm not going anywhere, Will! Don't even -"

"No! No. We're not - we couldn't, even if we wanted to. It - doesn't work that way. Willow could only get us about an hour."

"Is she - is she all right? How is everybody?" Xander asked, so quietly, and Alex closed his eyes for a long moment.

"They're fine. They're all - fine. Buffy and Dawn are in Italy, and Giles and Willow are getting a new Watcher's Council organized. When Spike came back, he was in L.A., with Angel and.... Well, we left. Gonna just - try our hand and doing the Lone Ranger thing. Only, you know, not alone." He smiled over at Spike and Spike grinned back. 

After a moment they looked back at Xander and Will, and Alex pulled something out of his inner pocket - a flat envelope about the size of a small greeting card. He looked at it, and then he looked up at Xander and his eye was wet with unshed tears.

"Xander? How is - how's my dad? Robin?" His voice was thick with emotion and Will saw Spike take his hand under the table, silent support.

"I just - saw him. A couple days ago. He's great, he's - he really...loved you. He really missed you - tried to find you when - when this happened and I...lost it." Xander looked miserably down at his drink and sniffed. "I'm s-sorry, Alex...he calls me 'son'...."

"Do you remember him? Like I remember - Willow and the crayon and - sleeping out in the yard at Christmas? Do you remember - what he did for me?" Alex's voice was strained - hoarse with tears, and Will wanted to do _something_ \- wanted to hold him - make it all right. Xander looked up at Alex, his eyes wide and wet and solemn.

"Yeah. I do. I remember...everything."

"Good," Alex said. He turned abruptly away and put his face down on Spike's shoulder, and Spike just held him, stroking his hair, whispering to him. Will took Xander's hand in his and just held on, and long moments passed in silence while Alex got himself under control again. When he finally sat up and faced them again, his face was streaked with tear-tracks, but he seemed calmer.

"Willow says us remembering each other's lives - it's a side effect of the spell, or - it's the different places trying to...fit us in. If you remember him then...you treat him right, okay Xander? Make him happy, because...he saved me, he...was the only real father I ever had."

"I will. Promise, Alex. Would you - tell everyone.... Tell them I love them, and I hope they're happy...tell them I _am_ , okay? I'm happy, and I'm...loved."

"Yeah," Alex said, and he wiped gingerly under his patch with a napkin - downed the last bit of his coffee. "Here - they sent this." He pushed the envelope across the table and Xander took it carefully - tucked it away.

"Time, love," Spike said, and Alex nodded.

"We gotta go." Alex held out his hand and Xander took it - held it tightly. "I'm sorry that - that it was so hard for you. But you - found people I never would have. You found a family and...I found what I wanted, too. Take care of yourself, okay? And - dad."

"Promise." They slowly let go, and Xander looked consideringly at Alex for a moment. "Why did you come here, Alex?" Alex shrugged, looking away, and it was Spike who answered.

"He was fretting something awful. Thought he'd driven you 'round the bend. And after - everything - when he wasn't dreaming about you anymore, he thought you'd tried what he had. He had to come and see."

"I'm glad you did - I'm glad the both of you did," Xander whispered, and Spike slid out of the booth, lithe as a cat. A few moments later they were on the sidewalk and the rain had slowed to almost nothing - to a drizzle that was more mist than anything. Alex and Spike were ready to go, back to where they'd come in near the Bronze. Xander suddenly pulled Alex into a hug and after a moment's shock Alex hugged him back. Xander let go slowly, and then turned to Spike.

"Thanks for taking care of everybody, Spike. Thanks for watching out for...my friends." Spike looked uncomfortable and shrugged, reaching out to snag Alex by the sleeve and pull him close.

"Did it for my boy, Harris. He's all that matters," Spike said, but he was grinning, and Will knew he'd done for more reasons than that. As they turned to go, Will reached out and touched Spike's shoulder.

"Hey - Spike. Would you - would you show me - our other face?" Spike stared at him and then his eyebrow went up and he smirked. He glanced at Alex, who was smiling at him, and then he - changed. The familiar lines and planes of Will's face shifted and bulged - became almost feline, and utterly alien. Spike grinned, showing gleaming fangs, and golden eyes danced with glee. Then the vampire-face smoothed out and was gone, and Will was left staring, breathless, at himself.

"Jesus. That's - so fucking _cool_ ," Will said, and Spike laughed out loud.

"Not what I usually get. Let's go, love - time's almost up," he said, and Alex nodded.

"Take care of yourselves. Don't forget, Xander -"

"I won't! I won't. Tell Willow - I said thanks. Tell them -"

"Yeah. I will." Alex looked at Xander, at Will, for one more moment and then they both turned and began to jog away down the street. Will and Xander just stood and watched, waiting, and about five minutes later they saw lightning again, dazzling-bright, and knew they were gone.

Will reached out to Xander - took his hand and then pulled him close. Xander was shivering in his still-damp shirt and jacket, and Will felt chilled to the bone. 

"Let's go home, pet, all right?" 

"Yeah," Xander said faintly, and they started up the street, arms around each other, as close as they could get. As they walked, Will tried once and then twice to say something, and finally Xander stopped, making Will turn and face him.

"What is it, Will? Tell me what's wrong." Will sighed, looking at him, and then looking down, at where Xander's arms were around his waist, and his around Xander's.

"It's just...it was all real, love - the Hellmouth and demons - were real. _Is_ real. And - your real friends - your _family_...is out there somewhere. Did you - do you really want to just - give up on them?"

"Oh," Xander said, and his voice sounded hurt and small, and Will cursed himself. "Will, I.... Listen, my real family is _here_. _You_ are my real family. I don't - I would never go back, Will - never! I couldn't leave you. Couldn't leave Giles and....and Oz - couldn't leave any of you." 

Xander took in a shaking breath and suddenly pulled Will into a kiss. Hard, frenzied - trembling lips and clutching hands, and Will let him do what he wanted - let him pull his head over and hold him and just _kiss_ him, until they were both gasping.

"I _love you_ Will. Love you forever. I'm glad - I wasn't crazy. I'm glad it was real because it means that - that I'm not nuts. But I'm _here_ \- my life is here, and I'll never, ever want to leave it."

"God, Xander - I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I just.... I just want you to be happy, love - just want you to be happy."

"Happy with you. Always happy with you," Xander whispered, and they stood, forehead to forehead, arms tight around each other for long moments, until the rain began to patter down harder and harder all around them, and they were both shivering so hard it hurt.

"Lets get you warm, honey - warm and dry and in bed, yeah? Come on." 

They jogged the rest of the way, and sighed in relief as they closed the flat door behind them. They stripped out of their wet clothes and wrapped themselves up in their robes and Will got the bath going, hot as they could stand. Xander shoved the wet, muddy clothes into the laundry basket and when he turned around he was holding the envelope in his hands - the one Alex had given him.

"What did he give you, love?" Xander glanced up at him and laughed, a little shrill. 

"I'm afraid to look! But...." He carefully pulled the flap open and spilled the contents out into his hand, and Will pulled him close when he started to cry. Xander's hand was full of bright squares, and Will took them - looked at the pictures that Alex had left. A strikingly pretty blonde woman, arm around a brunette woman, both smiling. 

_Is that Buffy? Looks familiar, like that girl from the school...._ And then - _Oh God. Fuck, it's Willow, it's **her** , but...._ The same face - the vulpine hair. But this Willow was older, somehow - this Willow had buried her dead and had seen pain, and she was straight and still - _calm_. Faint smile, eyes as fathomless and as bottomless as the sea. He shuffled to the next picture and almost dropped it. His _father_ \- in a library, near a table. But older - grayer. More careworn. A smile that was tired, but steady and warm as a flame. And a sword resting easily in his hand, obviously familiar, obviously used.

_God, God...dad.... No, that's his Giles, that's - that's **them** , that's...._ "Xander, love - are you okay? Xander?" 

Xander lifted his head from where he'd buried it in Spike's shoulder. His face was tear-streaked but he was smiling. "That's them. That's - my family, that's - my past. And you're my future, Will. _You_ are. I love you...so much."

Will laid the pictures down on the sink and the faces smiled up at him - people who had taken in a familiar stranger. People who had been the foundation of the man he loved. People he would be grateful to for the rest of his life. "Love you too, Xander. Love you too."


End file.
